A Hotdog goes into a bar and asks the bartender for a pint
The bartender replies "I'm sorry we don't serve food in here !"
Full Version: Terrible Joke
Rod Stuart, Britney Spears and Elton John are walking home from the Q Music awards, when all of a sudden Britney catches her shoe on a kerb stone, falls head first through a set of railings, and gets her head stuck!
Rod Stuart, not wanting to miss out on the opertunity, hitches up her skirt and starts humping away like a dog on heat!
After he's done his buisness, he steps back zips himself up and says to Elton John "Hey! Elton it's your turn know"
"What you mean Rod?"replies Elton"My head won't fit through those railings!" BOOM,BOOM!
:D:D
Rod Stuart, not wanting to miss out on the opertunity, hitches up her skirt and starts humping away like a dog on heat!
After he's done his buisness, he steps back zips himself up and says to Elton John "Hey! Elton it's your turn know"
"What you mean Rod?"replies Elton"My head won't fit through those railings!" BOOM,BOOM!
:D:D
LOL :D:D:D
:D:D:D
Whats brown and sticky? A stick
FUNNY GUYS!!!!
There once was a 94 year old nun back in the 1890's whose worn out body began to surrender. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times a day, to relax her.
However, not to be lured into worldly pleasures, she huffily declined. But her mother superior knew the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day.
Eventually, the elderly pious one approached her final hour. As several sisters gathered around her at bedside, the mother superior asked if she wanted to leave them any words of wisdom.
"Oh, yes," she replied. "Never sell that cow!"
However, not to be lured into worldly pleasures, she huffily declined. But her mother superior knew the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day.
Eventually, the elderly pious one approached her final hour. As several sisters gathered around her at bedside, the mother superior asked if she wanted to leave them any words of wisdom.
"Oh, yes," she replied. "Never sell that cow!"
The council must have invented women!
Who else would out a play area near a sh*t hole?
Who else would out a play area near a sh*t hole?
The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been
such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.
"Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with ***." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to ***.
Arthur then asked ***, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" >*** said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention.
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
And finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous.
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied
***, "hold on."
*** went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a
few words and waited for the results. The computer
printed out a slip of paper and *** read it.
Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,"
*** said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers,
more men are riding my invention than yours."
(I actually got sent it by a woman.)
[Edited on 14-4-2002 by javadude]
[Edited on 14-4-2002 by javadude]
such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.
"Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with ***." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to ***.
Arthur then asked ***, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" >*** said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention.
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
And finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous.
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied
***, "hold on."
*** went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a
few words and waited for the results. The computer
printed out a slip of paper and *** read it.
Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,"
*** said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers,
more men are riding my invention than yours."
(I actually got sent it by a woman.)
[Edited on 14-4-2002 by javadude]
[Edited on 14-4-2002 by javadude]
LOL that was a good one!
What's Grey and comes in pints?
Elephant's:smilegrin::smilegrin:
Pierre the famous french fighter pilot took his madmoselle out on a picnic, things were going well and she said,"pierre kiss me on the lips", pierre opened a bottle of red wine splashed it on her lips and kissed her passionately," OH pierre" she said that was fantastic but why the red wine," madmoiselle when I have red meat I have red wine, OHH pierre she said " kiss my breasts", he then opened a bottle of white wine splashed some on her breasts and kissed them softly,
"OHH pierre she said that was fantastic but why the white wine",
Pierre replied, Madmoiselle I am pierre the famous french fighter pilot when I have white meat I have white wine
"OH pierre kiss my fanny "she says.
On this pierre opens a bottle of brandy splashes it on her fanny and sets fire to it
"AHH AHH AHH OUCH AHH she replies putting out the flames,
" pierre why the fire"
Madmoiselle I am pierre the famous french fighter pilot, when I go Down I go Down in FLAMES
"OHH pierre she said that was fantastic but why the white wine",
Pierre replied, Madmoiselle I am pierre the famous french fighter pilot when I have white meat I have white wine
"OH pierre kiss my fanny "she says.
On this pierre opens a bottle of brandy splashes it on her fanny and sets fire to it
"AHH AHH AHH OUCH AHH she replies putting out the flames,
" pierre why the fire"
Madmoiselle I am pierre the famous french fighter pilot, when I go Down I go Down in FLAMES
I will let the mods edit this One!
A man walks into a bar and says to everyone in the bar " I bet anyone in this bar that if I bent over and you shoved a car door key up my behind and i will be able to guess the brand name of that car!"
So 4 guys in a group say "ok... we will play the bet" So the guy bends over, drops his pants and the first guys rams a key up.... ohhh oooohh hmmm thats a ford focus key.. yes ford focus... Wow said the guy holding the key.... second guy gets his keys out and rams it right up... "oohh hmmm thats a Toyota Avensis.. oh yes i can tell that is an Avensis.... blo**dy hell says the second guy.. third guy gets his keys and gives it a good giggle and says guess this one matey... ooooh ouch... grrr.. hmmm this one is hard... hmmm that key is for a nissan bluebird.. yeah nissan bluebird.. sh*t says the 3rd guy... the 4th guy smiles and fumbles around in his pocket and pulls out a spark plug.. then grins and says guess this car pal and rams it straight up... the guys shouts out Ohhhhh Champion!
A man walks into a bar and says to everyone in the bar " I bet anyone in this bar that if I bent over and you shoved a car door key up my behind and i will be able to guess the brand name of that car!"
So 4 guys in a group say "ok... we will play the bet" So the guy bends over, drops his pants and the first guys rams a key up.... ohhh oooohh hmmm thats a ford focus key.. yes ford focus... Wow said the guy holding the key.... second guy gets his keys out and rams it right up... "oohh hmmm thats a Toyota Avensis.. oh yes i can tell that is an Avensis.... blo**dy hell says the second guy.. third guy gets his keys and gives it a good giggle and says guess this one matey... ooooh ouch... grrr.. hmmm this one is hard... hmmm that key is for a nissan bluebird.. yeah nissan bluebird.. sh*t says the 3rd guy... the 4th guy smiles and fumbles around in his pocket and pulls out a spark plug.. then grins and says guess this car pal and rams it straight up... the guys shouts out Ohhhhh Champion!
A sheriff walks into a saloon bar in the old wild west and shouts "Any of you critters seen brown paper Jake?"
One of the punters replies "what does he look like?"
"he's got brown paper trousers, brown paper shoes, a brown paper jacket and a brown paper hat"
"What's he wanted for?" says another punter
The sheriff replies "Rustling":smilegrin:
One of the punters replies "what does he look like?"
"he's got brown paper trousers, brown paper shoes, a brown paper jacket and a brown paper hat"
"What's he wanted for?" says another punter
The sheriff replies "Rustling":smilegrin:
A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart
escapes her.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, and there
standing next to her is a salesman.
"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to s**t yourself when you hear the price."
:D:D:D:D
escapes her.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, and there
standing next to her is a salesman.
"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to s**t yourself when you hear the price."
:D:D:D:D
LOL :smilegrin:
I've edited it slightly - don't want to offend anyone!
A Girls Prayer:
Lord
Before I lay me down to sleep,I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong, One who's tackle's thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,When promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, wont be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! send me a man who will make love to my mind, Knows just what to say,
when I
ask "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin, In the hall, the loo, the
garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me no end, And never attempts to sh*g my best
friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed, I look at the w**ker you sent me instead.
Amen
A Boy's Prayer:
Lord
I pray for a lady with a big cleavage.
Amen
A Girls Prayer:
Lord
Before I lay me down to sleep,I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong, One who's tackle's thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,When promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, wont be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! send me a man who will make love to my mind, Knows just what to say,
when I
ask "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin, In the hall, the loo, the
garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me no end, And never attempts to sh*g my best
friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed, I look at the w**ker you sent me instead.
Amen
A Boy's Prayer:
Lord
I pray for a lady with a big cleavage.
Amen
an englishman, irishman and scotsman walk into a bar and the barman says "is this a joke?"
LOL...
A ghost goes into a pub and the landlord says
"Sorry we don't serve spirits in here":rolleyes:
"Sorry we don't serve spirits in here":rolleyes:
A man walks into a bar and says "ouch". It was an iron bar.
A peice of string walks into a bar and the landlord says "are you a peice of string?" and the piece of string says"yes" so the barman says "we don't serve string in here, get out". So the piece of string goes outside and makes himself look really scruffy then walks back into the pub. The landlord says "hey, are you a peice of string?" and the peice of string says "no, I'm a frayed knot"
A peice of string walks into a bar and the landlord says "are you a peice of string?" and the piece of string says"yes" so the barman says "we don't serve string in here, get out". So the piece of string goes outside and makes himself look really scruffy then walks back into the pub. The landlord says "hey, are you a peice of string?" and the peice of string says "no, I'm a frayed knot"
This speaks a lot about the quality of Japanese products and their quality standards.
They're still laughing about this at IBM. Apparently the computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they set out that they will accept three defective parts per 10,000 .
When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter. "We, Japanese people, had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment. Hope this pleases you."
There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.
The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"
There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"
They're still laughing about this at IBM. Apparently the computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they set out that they will accept three defective parts per 10,000 .
When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter. "We, Japanese people, had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment. Hope this pleases you."
There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.
The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"
There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"
[quote]A ghost goes into a pub and the landlord says
"Sorry we don't serve spirits in here":rolleyes:[/quote]
its getting cheezy :tumble::tumble::tumble:
"Sorry we don't serve spirits in here":rolleyes:[/quote]
its getting cheezy :tumble::tumble::tumble:
Nelson Mandela is relaxing in his mansion when he hears a knock at the door. He goes to answer it and looks down to see a small japenese man with a clipboard who says "aaah-so! I have 100 Primera exhausts for you" Mandela is clearly confused and replies "what are you on about?, get out of here"
A few days later, the same thing happens. A japenese guy knocks at the door and says "aaah-so! I have 500 Micra wheels for you". Mandela is now starting to get a bit annoyed with this and tells the japenese guy to get lost and not bother him again.
About a week later, another japenese guy knocks at the door and says "aaah-so! I have 50 Skyline cylinder heads for you" Mandela is now furious and snatches the japenese delivery guys clipboard from him and says "No mate, you have it all wrong. you want Nissan main dealer":smilegrin::smilegrin::smilegrin:
A few days later, the same thing happens. A japenese guy knocks at the door and says "aaah-so! I have 500 Micra wheels for you". Mandela is now starting to get a bit annoyed with this and tells the japenese guy to get lost and not bother him again.
About a week later, another japenese guy knocks at the door and says "aaah-so! I have 50 Skyline cylinder heads for you" Mandela is now furious and snatches the japenese delivery guys clipboard from him and says "No mate, you have it all wrong. you want Nissan main dealer":smilegrin::smilegrin::smilegrin:
Two pilots crash land on an island, Within a few minutes they are surrounded by the local barbaric tribe. The head tribesman approaches them & says that they have to go into the jungle & pick one hundred pieces of fruit each otherwise they will die!
So going their seperate ways each pilot runs off looking for fruit. After about an hour the first pilot returns with a hundred grapes. The head tribesman looking a little bit dissapointed turns around & says ' ok the final test is that now we will push each one of these grapes up your arse & you cant make a noise, you do that & I will spare you!' the pilot looks in dismay but never the less drops his trousers & the sordid test goes on! 1..2..10...25.....30....50...60.....75...80...95...96...97...(the pilot is gritting his teeth, sweating & delirious from the pain!!)...98...99 all of a sudden the pilot falls backwards onto the floor holding his stomach laughing hystericaly??? The head tribesman lifts his spear & says' Unfortunate you must die you were doing so well, tell me..why couldnt hold out just another couple of seconds??' the pilot still writhing about laughing catches his breath & says 'Ive just seen my co-pilot running back with a hundred coconuts!!!!'
So going their seperate ways each pilot runs off looking for fruit. After about an hour the first pilot returns with a hundred grapes. The head tribesman looking a little bit dissapointed turns around & says ' ok the final test is that now we will push each one of these grapes up your arse & you cant make a noise, you do that & I will spare you!' the pilot looks in dismay but never the less drops his trousers & the sordid test goes on! 1..2..10...25.....30....50...60.....75...80...95...96...97...(the pilot is gritting his teeth, sweating & delirious from the pain!!)...98...99 all of a sudden the pilot falls backwards onto the floor holding his stomach laughing hystericaly??? The head tribesman lifts his spear & says' Unfortunate you must die you were doing so well, tell me..why couldnt hold out just another couple of seconds??' the pilot still writhing about laughing catches his breath & says 'Ive just seen my co-pilot running back with a hundred coconuts!!!!'
:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:
Driving to the office this morning on the Eastern Avenue Carriageway, I
looked over to my left and there was a woman in a Vauxhall 100 per hour
with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I
looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!
It scared me (I'm a man) so badly, I dropped my electric shaver, which
knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying
to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it
knocked my mobile phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between
my legs, splashed and burned Big Daddy and the Twins, ruined the damn
phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL
WOMEN DRIVERS!
;)
looked over to my left and there was a woman in a Vauxhall 100 per hour
with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I
looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!
It scared me (I'm a man) so badly, I dropped my electric shaver, which
knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying
to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it
knocked my mobile phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between
my legs, splashed and burned Big Daddy and the Twins, ruined the damn
phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL
WOMEN DRIVERS!
;)
A cow farmer takes delivery of his new electric automatic milking machine! Not having had anything off his other half for a while he gets very tempted. So he slips out his meat & pops it into the udder recepticle. He looks round presses the on button & hey presto the machine starts sucking away!! The farmer is loving it!! Moaning & groaning..ooh-ing & ahh-ing till he reaches his climax! Having finished he goes to turn it off but to his horror its still sucking away...harder & harder!!! The farmer is going red in the face & is beginning to panic because now it's really starting to hurt....no matter what he does he cant pull it off or turn the blasted machine off!! So his last resort is to ring the company he's bought it from:
Farmer: Hello automatic milking machines?
company: Yes thats right how can I help sir?
Farmer(in a croaky Voice): I took delivery of a machine today & ive attached it to one of my cows udders but now I cant seem to turn it off!!
Company: Dont worry sir thats quite normal!
Farmer(in a V V Croaky voice!!): What do you mean..normal?
Company: The machine turns off automaticlly once it has succeded in removing 5 pints!!!!!!!!!!
Farmer: Hello automatic milking machines?
company: Yes thats right how can I help sir?
Farmer(in a croaky Voice): I took delivery of a machine today & ive attached it to one of my cows udders but now I cant seem to turn it off!!
Company: Dont worry sir thats quite normal!
Farmer(in a V V Croaky voice!!): What do you mean..normal?
Company: The machine turns off automaticlly once it has succeded in removing 5 pints!!!!!!!!!!
:lol:
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye.
He says to him, Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if ask how you got yours?
Other guy: Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident.See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with huge, huge breasts was there. So, instead of saying I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh. She socked me one.
First guy: Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: "Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties."
But I accidentally said: "You ruined my life you fat bitch
He says to him, Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if ask how you got yours?
Other guy: Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident.See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with huge, huge breasts was there. So, instead of saying I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh. She socked me one.
First guy: Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: "Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties."
But I accidentally said: "You ruined my life you fat bitch
A passenger plane travelling to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean. The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive.
After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores. Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on.
Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...its Kylie Minogue.
Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they
fall madly in love.
One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face.
She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong.
"Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life.
We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feel there's something missing."
Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything".
"Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?" "OK" "And my trousers?" "OK"
At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips.
"OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."
"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?" So off they set.
After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:
"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging'!!"
:lol::smilegrin:
After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores. Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on.
Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...its Kylie Minogue.
Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they
fall madly in love.
One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face.
She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong.
"Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life.
We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feel there's something missing."
Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything".
"Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?" "OK" "And my trousers?" "OK"
At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips.
"OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."
"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?" So off they set.
After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:
"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging'!!"
:lol::smilegrin:
hmmm as if we would....
John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."
John says, "Well, give me some examples."
Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me."
"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."
Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"
John proceeds to say, "Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock."
John says, "Well, give me some examples."
Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me."
"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."
Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"
John proceeds to say, "Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock."
man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and see if it was 365 times with the same cow."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and see if it was 365 times with the same cow."
There was a young man who was so well-endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three doctors and one nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation.
The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.
The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it." They discussed it and decided it would change the texture and feel of it.
The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it." They discussed it and said that would give him erection problems.
The doctors looked at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks.
The nurse cried, "Can't we just make his legs longer?"
The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.
The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it." They discussed it and decided it would change the texture and feel of it.
The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it." They discussed it and said that would give him erection problems.
The doctors looked at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks.
The nurse cried, "Can't we just make his legs longer?"
David finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee that he had to break off their engagement so he could marry another woman.
"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked between sobs.
"Not on her best day," he replied.
"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?"
"No, she's broke."
"Well, then, is it sex?"
"Nobody does it like you, babe."
"Then what can she do that I can't?"
"Sue me for child support."
"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked between sobs.
"Not on her best day," he replied.
"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?"
"No, she's broke."
"Well, then, is it sex?"
"Nobody does it like you, babe."
"Then what can she do that I can't?"
"Sue me for child support."
QUESTION:
What's pink and hard when it goes in... and soft and wet when it comes out?
ANSWER:
Bubblegum!
What's pink and hard when it goes in... and soft and wet when it comes out?
ANSWER:
Bubblegum!
An Italian man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table , he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby.... all alone.
He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, - knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this from the gentleman. She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants.
The man, after reading the note, sends one of his own back to her and it read:
"Just so you know - I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage; plus I have over twenty million dollars in the bank."
"But, not even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back!!!
He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, - knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this from the gentleman. She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants.
The man, after reading the note, sends one of his own back to her and it read:
"Just so you know - I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage; plus I have over twenty million dollars in the bank."
"But, not even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back!!!
A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"!
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"!
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
Whats the difference between women & work?
Work still sucks after 6 months!!
Work still sucks after 6 months!!
ok here we go..... ready???? :yes::yes:
a man in the jungle sees an elephant lying on its side.... a bit troubled by this (if someting killed it, it might be still out there ) he goes over to investigate.....
on inspection he sees nothing really wrong... not old, no bite marks, no poisoin arrows... noting... then he sees this 3 foot pigmy standing to the side with a huge grin on his face looking rather chuffed with himself....
Man " did you kill this elephant???"
Pigmy, flexing his muscles "yeah!"
Man "what???? you, a 3 foot pigmy, killed this, 3 tonne, young bull elephant in it's prime???"
Pigmy, acting rather cool "i said yeah!"
Man "chuffin' 'ell, you mean to say you killed this Elephant???"
Pigmy "I SAID YES!!!!!"
Man " how the hell did you kill it???"
Pigmy, lexing his muscles yet again " with my club"
man " you mean to say, you killed this 3 tonne, bull Elephant, in it's prime, with a club????"
Pigmy " YES!!!!!!!!!!!"
Man " bloody hell, must have been a big club!!!"
Pigmy " yeah, about 847 of us"
:smilegrin::smilegrin::smilegrin::smilegrin::smilegrin::smilegrin::smilegrin::smilegrin::smilegrin:
a man in the jungle sees an elephant lying on its side.... a bit troubled by this (if someting killed it, it might be still out there ) he goes over to investigate.....
on inspection he sees nothing really wrong... not old, no bite marks, no poisoin arrows... noting... then he sees this 3 foot pigmy standing to the side with a huge grin on his face looking rather chuffed with himself....
Man " did you kill this elephant???"
Pigmy, flexing his muscles "yeah!"
Man "what???? you, a 3 foot pigmy, killed this, 3 tonne, young bull elephant in it's prime???"
Pigmy, acting rather cool "i said yeah!"
Man "chuffin' 'ell, you mean to say you killed this Elephant???"
Pigmy "I SAID YES!!!!!"
Man " how the hell did you kill it???"
Pigmy, lexing his muscles yet again " with my club"
man " you mean to say, you killed this 3 tonne, bull Elephant, in it's prime, with a club????"
Pigmy " YES!!!!!!!!!!!"
Man " bloody hell, must have been a big club!!!"
Pigmy " yeah, about 847 of us"
:smilegrin::smilegrin::smilegrin::smilegrin::smilegrin::smilegrin::smilegrin::smilegrin::smilegrin:
lol...............
Full Colour Version: Terrible Joke
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