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Friday Funnys


Fidgits
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Living in 2004

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail your friend who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not

have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a

business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "0" or "9" to

get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different

companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 10 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. Contractors out number permanent staff and are more likely to get

long-service awards.

AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE ..

13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends."

15. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore,except

to send you jokes from the net.

16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9.

17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9.

18. And now you are laughing at yourself!

****************************************************************

Three Corporate Lessons.

Lesson Number One:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.

A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him,

"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered, "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Number Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the

turkey,

"but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.

"They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him

enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the

tree.

Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the

tree.

Moral of the story:

Bulls**t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Number Three:

A little bird was flying south for the winter.

It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.

While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize

how warm it was.

The dung as actually thawing him out.

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow

dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

The morals of this story are:

1) Not everyone who drops s**t on you is your enemy.

2) Not everyone who gets you out of s**t is your friend.

3) And when you're in deep s**t, keep your mouth shut.

Summary:

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys,

all on different limbs at different levels, some climbing up, some fooling

around and some simply just idling . . .

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but a**holes.

***************************************************************

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Cow Corporation

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of

credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity

swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back,

with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are

transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company, secretly owned

by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to

your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows,

with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the

United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with

the release.

The public buys your bull.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and

produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images

called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows.

You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month,

and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:

You have two cows.

Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.

You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.

You charge others for storing them.

A HINDU CORPORATION:

You have two cows.

You worship them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high

bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION:

So, there are these two Jewish cows, right?

They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights.

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION:

You have two cows.

The one on the left is kinda cute...

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A sales rep parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it

off to his colleagues.

As he's getting out of the car, a huge 18 wheel truck comes flying along too

close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off.

Distraught, the rep grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive.

Before the cop has a chance to ask any questions, the rep starts screaming

hysterically:

"My Porsche, my beautiful red Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at

the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"

After the rep finally stops ranting and raving, the policeman shakes his

head in complete disgust.

"I can't believe how materialistic you bloody sales people are," he says,

"You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything

else in your life."

"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the rep.

The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your left arm was torn off

when the truck hit you?"

The rep looks down in absolute horror. "Oh bloody hell!" he screams, "Where's my Rolex?"

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AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE ..

13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends."

15. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore,except

to send you jokes from the net.

16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9.

17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9.

18. And now you are laughing at yourself!

Absolute magic :lol::lol::lol:

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"Symptoms of being over 25"

How many of these would you admit to....

1.You leave gigs before the encore to "beat the rush".

2.You own a lawnmower.

3.You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer and start

dreaming of having a son who might instead.

4.Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property

section.

5.You prefer Later with Jools Holland to Top of the Pops.

6.All of a sudden, Tony Blair is not 46, he's only 46.

7.Before going out anywhere, you ask what the parking is like.

8.Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them

because they'll be all right for the garden.

9.You buy your first ever T-shirt without anything written on it.

10. Instead of laughing at the Innovations catalogue that falls out of

the newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and money saving

properties of a plastic winter cover for your garden bench and an

electronic mole repellent for the lawn. Not to mention the plastic man

for the car to deter would-be thieves.

11.You start to worry about your parents' health.

12.You complain that ecstacy's "not as pure as it used to be coz you

know that if you have some it will take about 48 hours to recover and

anyway, you might look a bit of an idiot.

13.Sure, you have more disposable income, but everything you want to

buy costs between 200 and 500 quid.

14.You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disney video or a Wallace

and Gromit bubble bath, as the sales assistant assumes they are for

your child.

15.Pop music all starts to sound crap.

16.You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they don't have

any pictures on the menus and anyway, they do a really nice

half-bottle of house white.

17.You become powerless to resist the lure of self-assembly furniture.

18.You always have enough milk in.

19.To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go

clubbing, you instead frequent really loud tapas restaurants and

franchise pubs with wacky names in the mistaken belief that you have

not turned into your parents.

20.While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon C4's Time

Team with Tony Robinson. You get drawn in.

21.The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.

22.You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B&Q.

23.You wish you had a shed.

24.You have a shed.

25.You actually find yourself saying "They don't make 'em like that

anymore" and "I remember when there were only 3 TV channels" and "Of course, in my day...."

26.Radio 2 play more songs you know than Radio 1 - and Jimmy Young has some really interesting guests on.... you know.

27.Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the bus,

you tut at schoolchildren whose diction is poor.

28.When sitting outside a pub you become envious of their hanging

baskets.

29.You make an effort to be in and out of the curry house by 11.

30. You find yourself saying "is it cold in here or is it just me?"

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"Symptoms of being over 25"

How many of these would you admit to....

1.You leave gigs before the encore to "beat the rush".

2.You own a lawnmower.

3.You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer and start

dreaming of having a son who might instead.

4.Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property

section.

5.You prefer Later with Jools Holland to Top of the Pops.

6.All of a sudden, Tony Blair is not 46, he's only 46.

7.Before going out anywhere, you ask what the parking is like.

8.Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them

because they'll be all right for the garden.

9.You buy your first ever T-shirt without anything written on it.

10. Instead of laughing at the Innovations catalogue that falls out of

the newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and money saving

properties of a plastic winter cover for your garden bench and an

electronic mole repellent for the lawn. Not to mention the plastic man

for the car to deter would-be thieves.

11.You start to worry about your parents' health.

12.You complain that ecstacy's "not as pure as it used to be coz you

know that if you have some it will take about 48 hours to recover and

anyway, you might look a bit of an idiot.

13.Sure, you have more disposable income, but everything you want to

buy costs between 200 and 500 quid.

14.You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disney video or a Wallace

and Gromit bubble bath, as the sales assistant assumes they are for

your child.

15.Pop music all starts to sound crap.

16.You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they don't have

any pictures on the menus and anyway, they do a really nice

half-bottle of house white.

17.You become powerless to resist the lure of self-assembly furniture.

18.You always have enough milk in.

19.To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go

clubbing, you instead frequent really loud tapas restaurants and

franchise pubs with wacky names in the mistaken belief that you have

not turned into your parents.

20.While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon C4's Time

Team with Tony Robinson. You get drawn in.

21.The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.

22.You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B&Q.

23.You wish you had a shed.

24.You have a shed.

25.You actually find yourself saying "They don't make 'em like that

anymore" and "I remember when there were only 3 TV channels" and "Of course, in my day...."

26.Radio 2 play more songs you know than Radio 1 - and Jimmy Young has some really interesting guests on.... you know.

27.Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the bus,

you tut at schoolchildren whose diction is poor.

28.When sitting outside a pub you become envious of their hanging

baskets.

29.You make an effort to be in and out of the curry house by 11.

30. You find yourself saying "is it cold in here or is it just me?"

i have never read anything so true :lol:

had to nod my head to most of them :crybaby:

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  • 2 months later...
16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9.

17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9.

18. And now you are laughing at yourself!

:lol::lol::lol:

That was quality Ian.... :D

ABSOLUTELY PURE CLASS :lol::lol::lol:

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>London Underground driver's quotes (as overheard by tube passengers)...

> >

> >Heard on the Piccadilly Line:

> >This is Knightsbridge Station... All change here for Mr Fayed's little

> >corner shop

> >

> >On the Northern Line:

> >"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these

> >professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a

> >registered charity, failing that, give it to me."

> >

> >On the Piccadilly Line:

> >"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second

> >carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

> >

> >At Leyton station (where a train was stationary despite a green light):

> >"Sorry for the delay ladies and gentlemen but there is a queue of trains

> >ahead of us so I have decided to wait here, because I'm sure you don't want

> >to sit in a tunnel getting hot and sweaty"

> >

> >On the Central line:

> >"Next time, you might find it easier to wait until the doors are open

> >before

> >trying to get on the train"

> >

> >At King's Cross:

> >"This train is completely broken, it isn't going anywhere"

> >

> >At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon):

> >"Please let the passengers off the train first... Please let the

> >passengersoff the train first... Please let the passengers off the train

> >first... Let the passengers off the train FIRST!... Oh go on then, stuff

> >yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I'm going home."

> >

> >At Moorgate (after a 20-minute delay):

> >"I apologise for the delay but the computer controlling the signalling at

> >Aldgate and Whitechapel has the Monday Morning Blues"

> >

> >At West Hampstead:

> >"We can't move off because some c*** has their f***ing hand stuck in the

> >door"

> >

> >At Mill Hill East:

> >"Hello this is xxx speaking, I am the captain of your train, and we will be

> >departing shortly, we will be cruising at an altitude of approximately zero

> >feet, and our scheduled arrival time in Morden is 3:15pm. The temperature

> >in

> >Morden is approximately 15 degrees celsius, and Morden is in the same time

> >zone as Mill Hill east, so there's no need to adjust your watches."

> >

> >On a delayed train at Epping (when the driver had a chat with a colleague

> >unaware that he'd left the tannoy on):

> >"bollocks to the lot of them, I don't care if they don't make it to work."

> >

> >On the District Line:

> >"I apologise for the delay leaving the station ladies and gentlemen, this

> >isdue to a passenger masturbating on the train at Edgware Road. Someone has

> >activated the alarm and he is being removed from the train"

> >

> >On the Central Line:

> >"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know

> >you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married

> >to

> >my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go

> >in the opposite direction".

> >

> >"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold

> >the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."

> >

> >During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver

> >announcedin a West Indian drawl: "step right this way for the sauna, ladies

> >and gennelmun...unfortunately towels are not provided'.

> >

> >On the District Line at Putney Bridge:

> >"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on

> >any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint it is only

> >fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".

> >

> >On the Jubilee Line:

> >"Keep your appendages inside the doors, please I hope that if you're

> >changing here to continue your journey on anaother line that your next

> >journey is as nice as this one was. That's if this one was nice of course,

> >which it probably was if you were standing alongside an attractive person".

> >

> >On the District Line:

> >"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security

> >alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the

> >foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time

> >together. All together now.... Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall...."

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