The Funniest Joke You Ever Heard?

[SHAHZ]

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass

a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don't like getting flowers?"

The redhead says, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations

after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three

days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

[immx]

Two Sausages in a pan,

One sausage says f :tsktsk: k me it's hot in here,

to which the other sausage replies:

F :tsktsk: k me! A talking Sausage!

[Sipey]

A scarecrow won an award last week for being out-standing in his field.

[refLEX]

Still think the dead duck joke is tops - lets keep the thread going until Friday!

[pstraghan]

>>>Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border

>>>checkpoint.

>>>

>>>Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put

>>>5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four".

>>>

>>>"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen

>>>retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed

>>>to carry five persons."

>>>

>>>"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means

>>>four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore

>>>breaking the law."

>>>

>>>The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor

>>>over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

>>>

>>>"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat

>>>Uno."

[refLEX]

last day to contribute and perhaps win the top lexus joker award! :D

[imi]

A limousine had encountered a red traffic light and was waiting

for it to change when a small mini also drives up. The haughty

businessman in the back of the limousine started bragging to the

mini owner that his was the best car that money could buy.

"This is the best limo that money can buy. It has ABS, airbags

for all passengers, automatic climate control, onboard computer

control system, photo chromatic glass, mini bar, a television

with satellite dish embedded in the roof, blah blah blah..."

At this point the mini owner interrupted.

"But do you have a video in there?"

The light changed at this point, and the limo driver pulled off.

The businessman in back felt a bit down that he didn't have this

simple item, and that very day had one installed in the limo.

A few days passed by, and again the limo was at a traffic light

when the businessman spotted the mini again. It was pulled over

to a side, with the glasses all steamed up, and steam coming

from a half open window.

Upon seeing this, the businessman got out of his car and knocked

on the window of the mini. After a few moments, the mini owner

poked his head out, which was dripping with water.

"I installed a VCR in my limo", said the businessman proudly.

The mini-man responded,

"You got me out of the shower for THAT?"

[SHAHZ]

BECKS

[RYX]

A couple was invited to a posh family masked fancy dress Halloween party.

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party

alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said

she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need

for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and

as it was still early, decided to go to the party.

As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she

would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when

she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume,

cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could

and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left

his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go

as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and

she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate

intercourse in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and

put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of

explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of

time he had.

"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're

not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never

even danced one dance.

When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went

into the spare room and played poker all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all

night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad,

apparently he had the time of his life."

[SHAHZ]

Yesterday, scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (contains phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. :duh:

To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects: 1) Gained weight. 2) Talked excessively without making sense. 3) Became overly emotional. 4) Couldn't drive. 5) Failed to think rationally. 6) Argued over nothing. 7) Had to sit down while urinating. 8) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

No further testing was considered necessary.