Complaint Letter

RX-Men-8 · May 13, 2004

Let's see if this one goes through the forum's cussword filter without any asterisks :P

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What follows is a superb example of British humour in a letter that was truly

written and sent. The piece suggests two things:

1) Americans and Canadians are not the only ones who get poor service from

their ISP, cable and/or alarm companies. (NTL is a cable operator in

Britain.)

2) The Brits appear to get a better education than most , enabling them to

write some fine letters of complaint.

Dear Cretins...

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your

four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm monitoring.

During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service

which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and

stupidity of monolithic proportions.

Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue

your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties -- or

more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material

as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee

on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending

an entire Saturday sitting on my fat **** waiting for your technician to arrive.

When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your

infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman

telling me to look at your helpful website.

HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few

minutes -- an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly

adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,

although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools such as

a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone

calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I had requested it,

and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet servers downtime is roughly

35% -- the hours between about 6 pm and midnight, Monday through Friday,

and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection.

I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been

unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals who are,

it seems, also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that

a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be

transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is

available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone

(and then been redirected to an answering machine informing me that your

office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been

redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman. And several other

variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a

thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of

those crucially important testicle moments to attend to.

Frankly I don't care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my

frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.

Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought British Telecom was ****; that they had attained the holy *****-pot

of ***-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever, could be

more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service

to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't

anyone else is there?

How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable

dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you

truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents

of the highest order. BT -- ****ers though they are -- shine like brilliant

beacons of success in the filthy mire of your seemingly limitless

inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to

receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential

future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have

so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such activity will be

greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief and will quickly be replaced by

derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter tray,

as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your

pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become dessicated

during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I

would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their

rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my

feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short life, you

irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twits.

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Guess not ;)

aido · May 13, 2004

Nice :D

Zee007 · May 13, 2004

2) The Brits appear to get a better education than most , enabling them to write some fine letters of complaint.

That was the funniest part for me - the Yanks admittimng we're "better educated".....

Great letter too.... :D

SHAHZ · May 13, 2004

HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes -- an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals who are,

it seems, also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter tray,

as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your

pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become dessicated

during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I

would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their

rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my

feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a