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Friday Jokes !


Lex-aholic
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An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at

another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar,

and not recognizing him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until

suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My ***, it's Jesus!" Sure enough, it is Jesus,

nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of

Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the

three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's

finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of

the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go,

the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My ***! The arthritis I've had for

30 years is gone. It's a miracle!" Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand,

thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.

"Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a

miracle." Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, "Back off, mate, I'm

on disability benefit. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the

counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job". The man behind the counter

replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy

man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters.

You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform

provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have

to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is

around £200,000 a year, but if that's not enough he is open to negotiation

". The Scouser said "You're bullsh*tting me!" The man behind the counter

said "Well you started it!" * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious

object was discovered. It later turned out to be a tax disc. * * * * * * * *

* * * * * * * * *

A Scouser walks into a bar in Manchester dressed up in his new Liverpool

shirt and orders a drink before noticing a picture of Sir Matt Busby on the

wall. He was just about to leave when the barman says: "Where do you think

you're going?" The Scouser replies: "I'm sorry, I just noticed Matt Busby

there and I think I'd better leave," The barman says: "No no no. It's too

late for that. You've got to roll the dice Pal," The Scouser looks puzzled

and says: "Roll the dice?" The Barman replies: "Yeh. If you roll between 1

and 5 we kick the crap out of you," The Scouser says: "What if I roll a 6?"

The barman replies: "You get another go." * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A primary teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She

asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are Liverpool fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher

looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your

hand?" "Because I'm not a Liverpool fan," she replied. The teacher, still

shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not an Liverpool fan, then who are you a

fan of?" "I am a Man Utd fan and proud of it," Mary replied. The teacher

could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?"

"Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man

Utd fan too!" "Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that

is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan. You don't have to be just like

your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad

was a drug addict, what would you be then?" "Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a

Liverpool fan."> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an intelligent Liverpool supporter and an

old drunk are walking down the street together when simultaneously they each

spot a fifty quid note. Who gets it? A: The old drunk, of course - the other

3 are mythical creatures. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

What do you say to a scouser in a uniform? "Big Mac and fries please"

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