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Unpublished Letters To The Editor


Lex-aholic
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Subject: Unpublished letters to the editor

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.

Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. EJ Thribb, Luton

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a

mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose

around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would

trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She

was sent by DHL, guaranteed next day delivery. L Palmer, London

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just

like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's

minge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P, Leeds

It really annoys me to see these suicide bombers blowing up people as

well as themselves. In my day, suicide was done in a more dignified way,

such as slicing your wrists in the bath, or hanging yourself from a door

with a belt. Paul Mulraney, Belfast

On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach

the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a

correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy

Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied '<unt'. Not only was I

told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to

leave the premises immediately. Has anyone else experienced such

appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's family? Noel, Leeds

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board

cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to

make than this? Alun, Swansea.

I'LL never understand my neighbour. He has recently started

wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked

it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both.

Alan Thakray

Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of

Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original? Derek M, Dover

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in

Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've

obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.

Alan J., London

I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But

I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous

Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his

final breaths. Carol, London

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is

Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.

Stan

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the

world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that. Thomas J

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