Things Actually Said In Court

[peter026]

Actually Said in Court

From Disorder in the American Courts: Actual quotes from courtroom transcripts

ATTORNEY... Are you sexually active?

WITNESS... No, I just lie there.

_______________________________

ATTORNEY... What is your date of birth?

WITNESS... July 18th.

ATTORNEY... What year?

WITNESS... Every year.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY... What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS... Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY... This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS... Yes.

ATTORNEY... And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS... I forget.

ATTORNEY... You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY... How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS... Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY... How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS... Forty-five years.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY... What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS... He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY... And why did that upset you?

WITNESS... My name is Susan.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY... Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS... We both do.

ATTORNEY... Voodoo?

WITNESS... We do.

ATTORNEY... You do?

WITNESS... Yes, voodoo.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY... Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS... Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY... The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS... Uh, he's twenty-one.

________________________________________

ATTORNEY... Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS... Would you repeat the question?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY... So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS... Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS... Uh....

______________________________________

ATTORNEY... She had three children, right?

WITNESS... Yes.

ATTORNEY... How many were boys?

WITNESS... None.

ATTORNEY... Were there any girls?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY... How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS.... By death.

ATTORNEY... And by whose death was it terminated?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY... Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS... He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY... Was this a male or a female?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY... Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS... No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY... Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS... All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY... ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS... Oral.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY... Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS... The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY... And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS... No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

_______________________________________

ATTORNEY... Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS... Huh?

______________________________

And the best for last

ATTORNEY... Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS... No.

ATTORNEY... Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS... No.

ATTORNEY... Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS... No.

ATTORNEY... So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS... No.

ATTORNEY... How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS.... Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY.... But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS... Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

[Paul Reece]

pmsl :D :D

[Adie]

Some of them are excellent

[Continunity]

pmsl

[Kazi]

I was about to say only in America....but in todays society....its probably just as likely anywhere!

Some excellent examples!

[Russdx]

hahahaha

[MrADeveci]

Here is a REAL one ..... when I was at court.

Defendent in court for driving with no insurance .......

Prosecutor : Do you have insurance to drive the vehicle ?

Defendent : Yes, I have Insurance, I have Life Insurance.

Oh dear, oh dear ............. now you tell me how I could keep a straight face ??

[usuf_x]

pmsl thats funny

[Rikos]

Some people have no idea

[Chris Skelton]

I have one that I heard while awaiting getting off a Parking Offence a few years back. (It's a bit long.....)

Clerk of Court . "Call George Johnson."

Guy walks down. (big, black afro, pimp shuffle etc..)

Clerk begins to read charge.

"You are George Johnson of...."

"I'M innocent"!!

Clerk

" No, sir, I shall first read out the charge; THEN you can plead;-

"You are George Johnson of 113..."

"Im innocent!!"

Judge.

"No sir. Please let the clerk read the charge out"

"You are George Johnson of"

"Im innocent!!!"

(By this time, everyone sitting in court is thinking...Who IS this idiot?!!!)

"You are George..."

"No, man, I'm INNOCENT Johnson. My brother is George; he couldn't come so I did"

Court collapses into muffled laughter.....!!!

[peter026]

I have one that I heard while awaiting getting off a Parking Offence a few years back. (It's a bit long.....)

Clerk of Court . "Call George Johnson."

Guy walks down. (big, black afro, pimp shuffle etc..)

Clerk begins to read charge.

"You are George Johnson of...."

"I'M innocent"!!

Clerk

" No, sir, I shall first read out the charge; THEN you can plead;-

"You are George Johnson of 113..."

"Im innocent!!"

Judge.

"No sir. Please let the clerk read the charge out"

"You are George Johnson of"

"Im innocent!!!"

(By this time, everyone sitting in court is thinking...Who IS this idiot?!!!)

"You are George..."

"No, man, I'm INNOCENT Johnson. My brother is George; he couldn't come so I did"

Court collapses into muffled laughter.....!!!

ROFL