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Letter Of Complaint


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>Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words.... A

>real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL (to their complaints




>Dear Cretins,


>I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up foryour

>3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this


>period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously

>considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidityof monolithic


>Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue

>your professional perogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or

>more likely

>(I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you

>while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the

>bog in your office:


>My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my


>an entire Saturday sitting on my fat a*se waiting for your technician to

>arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to

>your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot


>telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?


>I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes


>activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The


>installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician

>did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his

>cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem

>had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem


>six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate


>internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about

6pm -midnight,

>Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I amstill waiting for my telephone


>I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been


>transferred to avariety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also

>highlyskilled bollock jugglers.


>I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will

>call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call

>me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not

>a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be


>to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that

>your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been

>redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other


>on this theme.


>Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a


>other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those


>important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don'tcare, it's far more

>satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout

>them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,

>therefore, if I continue.


>I thought BT were ****, that they had attained the holy ****-pot of ***-

>awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more


>less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers.

>That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is


>How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable


>and disappointment what a useless shower of *******s you truly are. You


>sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.



>British Telecom - w*nkers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons

>of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless


>Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest

>to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any


>future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have

>so pointedly and catastrophically failed todeliver - any such activity will

>be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by


>and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with

>great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and


>contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that


>have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist

>at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if


>did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider


>the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless




>Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you


>incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of ****s.



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