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Tuesday's Joke


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Advice from Grandma

My long-passed grandmother's birthday is coming up, and for me it is time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives, the special trips she would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with her, and the advice she used to give!

Much was wasted because I was young when she died. If she were alive today and sharing her pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, came when I was only 12. We were sitting in a park, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I'd find a great woman and start my own family. "And son, remember this always," she said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands."

"How come, Grandma?" I asked her.

She answered in her soft voice... "makes your pecker look bigger."

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes,

charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in

Atlantic City.

The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the blonde team

rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is whooping it

up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear

anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and


When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen

in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats

in front of them. They all had white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're having a great

time downstairs!"

One of the blondes looks up and says to her, "Yeah, but you've got a



January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn't fit into the typewriter.

March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years."

April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.

June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.

August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down.

September - When asked what the capital of California was: answered "C."

October - Hates M & M's because they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 120.

December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone button.

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