The Beer Scooter

[Monster-Mat]

The Beer Scooter

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night of drinking and thought"How did i get home?" As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your home.

The answer to this puzzle is you used a beer scooter.

The beer scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased out to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman *** of wine.

Bacchus has branched out since the decrease in the worship of the roman pantheon and bought a large batch of these magical devices.The beer scooter works in the following fashion.

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland"begins to give of a pheremone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects the pheremone and sends down a winged beer scooter.

The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in there bedroom via a trans-dimensional portal. It is notcheap to run a beer scooter franchise, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment.

This generates the second question after a night out "How did i spend so much money?"

Beer scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries).

An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip.

The nature of trans-dimensional portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This generates the third question after a night out "What Happened?"

With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the EMIT (Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in decending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one persons EMIT is not necessarily the EMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained over a suitable period.

Independant studies have also shown that beer goggles cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom often with horrific consequences.

With recent models including a GPS ,bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-through chain specialising in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts. Another question answered!!

For the family man, beer scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other peoples garden's and Thump-A-Lot Boots. These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe, you are sure to wake your partner. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the ringbarked shins.

The final add-in Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is TAS (Tobacco Absorption System)

This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro lights in a single night.

............so now you know.................

mat

[Steve]

my beer scooter never had brakes last saturday.. because i visited every bush on the way home... have scratches to prove it.

Also I love it when the Beer Scooter knows the way to the kebab shop... becasue you have bit of kebab down your shirt.

Or

You can get two on it and it knows the way back to some young lasses pad.. where you wake up in the morning at her house. (health warning.. sometimes dead ugly)

[Claire G]

You can get two on it and it knows the way back to some young lasses pad.. where you wake up in the morning at her house. (health warning.. sometimes dead ugly)

Steve, that's down to the Beer Goggles, a safety feaure, I believe of the Beer Scooter.

[Monster-Mat]

andy harts beer scooter only works during daylight......he never seems to be drinking very long before he's found asleep somewhere

[Zee007]

andy harts beer scooter only works during daylight......he never seems to be drinking very long before he's found asleep somewhere

That'll be about right........

[Monster-Mat]

Aido.........does this ring any bells

[aido]

Haven't seen this for ages!

My scooter came prematurely at the weekend, but unlike Andy's mine is wind powered, as the lads will testify

[Lexus Jim]

also known as the beer taxi. It is quite handy to have your Beer Coat on whilst waiting for it to arrive. This invisible coat can keep you quite warm down to temps of -2 degrees

[aido]

The beer coat is for shandy drinkers Jim, I've progressed to the beer baseball cap now, always seem to walk miles when I've had a skin full - keep telling myself at the time that the walk will do me good!!

[Monster-Mat]

The beer coat is for shandy drinkers Jim, I've progressed to the beer baseball cap now, always seem to walk miles when I've had a skin full - keep telling myself at the time that the walk will do me good!!

nope i think thats the Beer GPS, it is programmed to take you on a scenic tour everytime "home" is imputted into destination

[aido]

So what about the M.U.N.T.E.R system that makes women appear like they do in Shallow Hal?

Right nasty when you wake up next to a growler and have to chew your arm off so you don't wake her up :P

Not too bad if it only cost a tenner though

[Monster-Mat]

nope there the beer goggles again

[aido]

Yeah but beer goggle's only work til they turn the lights up again in the club - once thought I was pulling this cracking bird til they turned the lights on and she looked like my **** (but hairier) - don't want to think about how badly she felt when she saw me :P

[whitie]

Not as bad as the beer gloves... You can guess what they do!!

[Monster-Mat]

Not as bad as the beer gloves... You can guess what they do!!

:)

[legendswraith]

So what about the M.U.N.T.E.R system that makes women appear like they do in Shallow Hal?

Right nasty when you wake up next to a growler and have to chew your arm off so you don't wake her up :P

Not too bad if it only cost a tenner though

thats easily sorted simply carry a bottle of vodka in your pocket that way should you end up in this situation simply drink till shes beautiful again.