Hope you all have a happy christmas , heres a few lines that may or may not cheer you up and raise a smile -
I've just come out of the 'chippy' with a meat and potato pie,
> >large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
> >A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two
> >days'.. I told him 'I wish I had your will power'
> >
> >
> >A fat bird served me food in McDonald's at lunch time; she said
> >'sorry about the wait'. I said 'don't worry fatso, you'll lose it eventually'
> >
> >Snow eh! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I
> >thought to myself 'she'll be lucky with a face like that!'
> >
> >I have a new chat up line that works every time! It doesn't matter
> >how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be,
> >this line is a winner and I always end up in bed with them. Here's
> >how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion?
> >Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'
> >
> >Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor
> >away'. But since all the doctors are now Muslim,
> >I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!
> >
> > A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were
> >labelled LSD?' Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in
> >the kitchen!!
> >
> > Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
> >Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
> >Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about s*x.
> >Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
> >Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
> >Billy says, ' Wimbledon.'
> >
> >A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her
> >Husband, I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'
> >He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
> >
> >Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my
> >pretty face or my sexy body?'
> >Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!
> >
> >An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans
> >over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I
> >should do?'
> >He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'