This is an actual letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex
Computers, USA, to his boss. His boss apparently resigned very soon
afterwards!
Dear Mr Baker,
As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few
very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors
have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After
your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and myself
during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are
one of the few true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network
administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do
each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of
time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I
know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired
to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you
vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the
hundredth time. You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as
binary still gives you too many options. You will also never
understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it
to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as
telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality
than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly
looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look
about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you
actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff,
hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world
of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone
else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the
Dilbert principle. Seeing as this situation is unlikely to
change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am
forced to tender my resignation; however I have a few parting
thoughts.
1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal
to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I
prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the
next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be
unable to do it on your own. 2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I
know every password you have used for the last five years. If you
decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favourites list",
which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless
files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually
viewed favourably by the administration. 3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your
mothers b-day", you neglected to mention that you were going to take
pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them
like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never
seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those
have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a
glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please. I
hate having to correct your mistakes.)
Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on
my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of
your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f*** with your systems administrator - Why?
Because they know what you do with all that free time!
Sincerely
Darryl Brewer
