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What B*w Owners Get


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Thought you might like this......

Dear Sir,

Congratulations on your company's decision to purchase a new Luxury German


We hope it will offer you the ultimate in comfort, performance and

opportunities to really ***** other drivers.

There are a few things you should know, now you're not driving a normal car.

There are several relaxations in some of the rules in the highway code

designed just for you, to maximize your driving experience at the expense of


Lane Discipline

Obviously, because you are driving such a complex machine, it no longer

matters which lane you are in. Need to turn left at the roundabout but are

stuck in the right hand lane? Not a problem. Simply indicate and take the

corner at as higher a speed as possible, using your horn if necessary to

force other cars out of your way. Also, feel free to drift aimlessly over

the lanes of a road - you're driving a Luxury German Car, the others are

not. Therefore it is your right to do this.


Your new vehicle is equipped with the very latest in bulb technology - your

powerful Gas Discharge headlamps will throw more than enough light onto the

road to allow you to see exactly where you're going. Your car is also

equipped with a pair of extremely bright front fog lamps, which are

precisely angled not only to throw light onto the road under difficult

driving conditions, but also to blind anyone misfortunate to be on your

stretch of road at the same time. We recommend that you should always drive

with your fog lights on, because let's face it - you're in a Luxury German

Car, so you can do what the hell you like.

Keeping Your Distance

Conventional motorists have what is known as a "two second rule", whereby

the distance between your bonnet and the tail of the car in front should be

two or more seconds apart. Since you're driving a Luxury German Car, this

does not apply to you. It is considered good form to drive as quickly as

possible up to the car in front of you, then to sit approximately three feet

from his bumper until he moves out of the way. See the paragraph above

concerning lights as well. If, after five tenths of a second, the car in

front has not moved, maybe because of stationary traffic, or because he's

already doing 90mph, you may begin to flash him. If this does not work, you

should progress to using your horn, shaking your fists, gesticulating wildly

and swearing, before undertaking him at 110mph and then pulling over in

front of him and slamming on your brakes to make the point quite clear.


It is considered good form to drive with a superior sneer on your face at

all times. At every possible opportunity, you should remind other driver why

they are inferior. If, on the extremely rare occasion that you find someone

with an even more luxurious or powerful car, it is best to remind yourself

that they will probably break down at some point in the next few days, as

they are not built to the same standards as your Luxury German Car.


Despite bays being clearly marked in most car parks, it is your right, as

the owner of a Luxury German Car to park wherever you like. This can include

the Parent and Child spaces at superstores, disabled spaces, in bus stops

and even on double yellow or red lines. Be sure to leave your hazard warning

lights going, so that people can see that you're parked there and can get

out of your way accordingly.

Mobile Phones

Despite the fact that it is illegal in the UK to drive while using a mobile,

as the owner of a Luxury German Car, you are exempt from this. In fact, it

is considered highly unfashionable to drive anywhere without last year's

Nokia handset glued to the side of your head. How else are you supposed to

organize your golf trips if you can't use the phone?

Traffic Jams

If you should find yourself stuck in a traffic jam, it is unacceptable to

sit there, wait and listen to the radio. Remember, that as the owner of a

Luxury German Car, you should instead make sure that you use both your horn

and your lights to signal to the car in front that he is really causing you

an inconvenience, and should move onto the hard shoulder for you, as you

really do deserve to be ten feet further forward in the six mile tailback

that you are both stuck in.


As the owner of a Luxury German Car, you should know at least one person

named Brad. Regional variations are, of course, allowable - if you're based

in Germany, you should make sure that you have a colleague / golfing partner

named Gunther or Fritz; In the USA Josh or Brad, in the UK Charles or Roger.

Any other countries should not really be driving Luxury German Cars as they

all have their own car manufacturers which BMW and Audi do not yet own.

Inclement Driving Conditions

Your Luxury German Car is equipped with sophisticated features designed to

make driving under bad conditions as simple as possible. It has come to our

attention that some other makes of car may also incorporate these features,

but ours are not controlled by primitive switches. We have designed three

different computers to control the speed at which the wipers remove water

from your screen. As such, it is perfectly acceptable for you to drive as

normal in bad weather. If you should come up behind an inferior vehicle who

is driving slowly due to the bad weather, feel free to sit as close behind

him as you can, as he probably needs the extra pressure of having you sat

right behind him to make him realize that it's your road, not his.

In Conclusion

As the employee of a company which owns a Luxury German Car, it is important

to remember that not only do you, the driver, own the car, but also the road

on which you are driving. Other motorists are simply there to pay the taxes,

and it is you who should be rightful king of the streets. Feel free to drive

like a maniac, ignoring basic road safety rules, speed limits and lane

markings, and drive without a thought for other drivers. The highway code

exists to keep other drivers in line, and does not apply to you, so feel

free to break the rules as often and as much as you can.

Yours, Wilhelm Kaiser.

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