An Oldy But A Goody

[Thommo]

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to

her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke

up at 8 pm. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes

outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove

home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he

replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had s*x all

afternoon." "You lying *****! You've been playing golf!

The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about

having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always

wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful

father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the

ugliest child he h ad ever seen. He told his wife, "There's no way I can be

the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and

replied, "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr.

Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz

had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,"

the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an

impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed

it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have to show you

something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My ***!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead? "

The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the

front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil

all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell

you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband

inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The

Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too." No more

was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 am the husband got up,

went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he

said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the

Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing.

The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly,

Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man thought. He glanced at the

menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A

nickel," the barman replied "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy

who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The

man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender

replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly,

"I have something I must confess." "There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your

best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know, I know," she

replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."