peter026

998,918

Did you hear about the scarecrow that won an award?

Apparently he was out standing in his field.

998,920

Q: How do you get a one-handed idiot out of a tree?

A: Wave!

The best 'Dear John' letter ever

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he had collected from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:

Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care, Ricky

Happy

998,922

How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?

Three! One to mix the batter and two to peel the smarties!

Try Here for custom made stainless steel exhausts Mat

They used to give 10% Goldie discount as well (Bridport Garage Steve Kilkoyne )

Pud

I give up......................

998,925

A man walks into a newsagent's and asks "do you have any helicopter flavour crisps?"

and the newsagent says "no, we only sell plain."

Island

Which had a rattle, on further investigation, they found............

998,933

It was all so different before everything changed

Wozzas greedy.............

989,964

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

998,983

In a Veteran's Day speech, President Bush vowed, 'We will finish the mission. Period.' Afterwards, he was advised he doesn't have to read the punctuation marks.

998,985

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost.

Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.

998,987

A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."

Sounds as if you have an abscess, in which case only antibiotics will cure it

Game

998,989

A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy. A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks. He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, "Whoa, I don't remember eating that!"

Roland

998,991

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to get blitzed. The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on the floor. The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The drunk replies, "That's not a lion! It's a giraffe."

998,995

A brunette says to a blonde "Look! A dead bird!" and the blonde looks up and says "Where?"

998,997

A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"

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