Tuesday's Joke

[LexAzur]

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well for my age."

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?" Oh no, "I replied, "I'm not doing either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No,my other doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,

hiking, or bicycling?" No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of s*x?"

"No," I said, "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a ***** if you live

to be 80?"

GENTLEMEN, IT'S TIME FOR YOUR ANNUAL "AM I GAY?" SELF-EXAMINATION

1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard

stomach, you are gay.

It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never

scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think

about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get your ***** over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a

cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A

straight man only sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet,

or tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or ***** in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A

man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be ha r d strong, black, and full aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim "and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a man there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free

passes to your *****. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, NFL, NHL, college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know

what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on

the wheel to honk at a slow-***** driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or play with his honey in the passenger seat.

8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of

those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they Flame out too.