Some jokes

brn7y · March 8, 2002

Drunk Confession

A drunk man staggers into a Church and sits down in a confessional box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs a few times to attract his attention, but the man still says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knocking man, there's no paper on this side either."

:P

brn7y · March 8, 2002

Extreme Stress

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering frim a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress.If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:

"Each morning fix him a healthy breafast. Be pleasant and make sure he's in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Dont burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him it will only make him stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of sporting event on T.V. And most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.

"If you can do this for 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home the husband asked his wife , "What did the doctor say?"

"You're gonna die." she replied.

brn7y · March 8, 2002

Bad Language

The triplet boys were starting to pick up some bad language and their mother had tried everything she could think of to get them to stop it. Pleading, ignoring, yelling, time out...nothing worked. She told her husband about it and he said when talking fails try good old fashioned discipline.

The next morning the terrible threesome came downstairs for breakfast. The father asked the first one "What do you want for breakfast?" The first one thought for a few seconds and said "I'll have some Goddamned eggs!"

WHAM! the father slapped the boy in the mouth and knocked him backwards away from the table.

The dad now turned to number two son and repeated the question. "What do YOU want for breakfast?" The second one looked at his crying brother on the floor and said " I'll have some F&^%£n' eggs."

WHAM! The second brother was now in the same situation as the first, mouth smacked and sitting on his butt on the floor crying.

The father now turned to face son number three. "WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR BREAKFAST!" He yelled at the kid. Number three looked at his brothers on the floor, covering their mouths and crying and he looked at his father and said "One thing's for sure, I don't want no Goddamned f*&^%n' eggs!"

:D

[Edited on 8-3-2002 by brn7y]

brn7y · March 8, 2002

Women Language Lesson

Words women use:

FINE

This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it’s an even trade.

NOTHING

This means something and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. ‘Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with the word “Fine.”

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine.”

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)

This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care.” You will get a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing.”

SOFT SIGH

Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

THAT’S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead.” At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay.”

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you’re welcome.

THANKS A LOT

This is much different than “Thanks.” A woman will say, “Thanks A Lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the “Loud Sigh.” Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the Loud Sigh,” as she will only tell you “Nothing.”

brn7y · March 8, 2002

Speeding

There was a middle aged guy who bought a brand new Lexus convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it up to 100mph and he enjoyed the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought and floored it some more. He looked in his rearview mirror and there was a Florida Highway Patrol Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blasting.

"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 120mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the State Trooper to catch up with him.

The Trooper pulled in behind the Lexus and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said looking at his watch, "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding, that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Trooper and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The State Trooper said, "Have a nice day."

:smilegrin::smilegrin:

UltraViolet · March 8, 2002

A man is having a bit of trouble with his dog and so takes him to the vets.

He says " Can you help me? My dog won't move, I've tried everything. Whats wrong with him?"

The vet looks over the dog and starts shaking his head "I'm sorry sir but your dog's dead"

"What? You mean that's it? Is that all there is to it?" says the man

"Ok we'll bring our Labrador in"

In walks a chocolate Labrador, he sniffs the man's dog and then shakes his head.

"What? is that all you're gonna do?" asks the man

"Ok we'll bring in the cat" replied the vet.

So in walks the cat, looks the dog over and she too starts shaking her head.

"It's no good I'm afraid sir" says the vet.

"So how much do I owe you then?" Asks the man

"Well sir that'll be fifty pounds"

"What??? That's impossible. Why so much?" asked the irate man

"Well sir" replied the vet "it would have been Ten pounds if you'd just taken my word for it, but with the Cat scan and Lab report it's fifty"

UltraViolet · March 8, 2002

A lonely spinster, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She decided to put an ad in the local paper that read:

"HUSBAND WANTED, must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not

run around on me,and must still be good in bed! All applicants apply in person."

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay she opened the door to see a grey haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. The woman said:

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!"

The old man smiled: "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted: "You don't have any hands either!"

Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently: "Are you still good in bed?"

With that, the old gentleman beamed a broad smile: "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

UltraViolet · March 8, 2002

A shepherd was herding his flocks in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd: "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure!"

The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to a cell-phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database and some 60 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. Finally: he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turns round to our shepherd and says: "You have here exactly 1586 sheep!" "This is correct.

As agreed, you can take one of the sheep" says the shepherd. He watches the young man makes a selection and bundles it in his Cherokee. Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my sheep back?" "Okay, why not" answers the young man.

"You are a consultant" says the shepherd.

"This is correct" says the yuppie, "How did you guess that?"

"Easy", answers the shepherd. "You turn up here although nobody called you. You want to be paid for the answer to a question I already knew the solution to, and you don't know &$%?! about my business because you took my dog."