Friday Funnies...

[Purvesh]

It was the postman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently LED him through the door (which she closed behind him), and LED him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, bacon, sausage, and freshly squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a fiver sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the fiver for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.

He said, 'Screw him, give him a fiver.'"

The lady smiled and said, "The breakfast was my idea."

************************************************** ********

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her bottom and said,

"You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said,

"You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the *****. With a death grip in place she said,

"You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the milkman, postman, the gardener and your brother!!!"

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NHS versus PRIVATE !!

A wealthy woman was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?'

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, 'I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.'

''Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay,' said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral s*x on him.

Again, the woman screamed, 'Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?'

Again the doctor spoke very calmly, 'Same illness, better health plan.'

************************************************** ********

Uses of Vaseline....

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day,

He comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.

It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great

Condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike

Is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It

Protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her

Parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have

To tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says

Anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge

Stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.

Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty

Dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So

He leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over

And fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up,

Grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and has his

Way with her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and

Her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs

The mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every

which way right there on the dinner table [Happy Mother's Day Mom].

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total

silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, 'All right,

that's enough, I'll do the flippin dishes!!!'

************************************************** **********

LMFAO

Edited June 27, 2008 by janey
Unsuitable content edited

[aaronabbott]

the old ones are always the best

[tridentmorph]

:D