Scotsman In Bed!

[djanderso]

SCOTSMEN IN BED!

PREPARATION:

Friday night is very much "love-night" for the Scottish man.

Arriving back from the pub, having partaken in the traditional Scottish

aphrodisiac -

12 pints, a black pudding supper and 3 pickled onions - his mind is set on

one thing - LOVE!

Or as he says to himself, "Ma nookie"

His lust is at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard nights

pool session,

he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words of passion,

"Any chance a ma hole?"

The good lady in question, perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of

stale beer or the sensuous vision of picked onions sticking to his chin,

is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with the

flirtatious reply, "Away tae ****** ya bampot ye".

FOREPLAY:

Foreplay is very important indeed.

This basically consists of the male casting off his lightly soiled Y-fronts

provocatively at his wife,

usually landing skid-mark side down, as he approaches the bed singing the

ancient Gaeilic fertility chant,

"HERE WE GO! HERE WE GO! HERE WE GO!"

Upon reaching the bed, he comments proudly on his rampant 8 incher.

This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.

INITIAL PROBLEMS:

After 12 pints, sometimes the man's member is a trifle reluctant to extend

itself (literally).

Impotence is very much a blow to the mans self-esteem and the wife has to

be very tactful.

She will offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as,

"Ya useless *****", or possibly, "I'll tell ya wan thing...it never

happens tae the milk man".

FELLATIO:

Oral s*x is a great favourite of the Scotsman. He approaches his wife with

a cheeky invitation,

"How'd ye like tae put yer teeth roon this Daphne?"

Although the lady's name is not Daphne,

she will nod willingly and point suggestively to her falsies smiling

happily in a bedside tumbler.

"Gawan yersel", she says, "jist dinnae bother me."

Undeterred by this slight rejection, the man drives enthusiastically to

perform such a service for his wife.

A breakdown in communication often leads to problems.

The man emerging from below, his face like a wet tomatoe, uttering a

pointed but tender rebuke,

"YA *****! Ye should'a telt me it wis yer bad week."

DOWN TO BUSINESS:

Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love.

Again, alcohol unduced double vision is an important factor as the man

decides which of his willies to use for penetration.

Sometimes in his excitement he may suffer from severe premature

ejaculation.

A phenomenon he explains to his wife using the poetic phrase,

"****** me....I've shot ma load."

If this does occur, it is essential he makes up for dissapointing his wife

by uttering tender and loving complements such as,

perhaps, informing her she's the nicest woman he's ever come across.

An imaginitave lover, the Scotsman, possibly having read the woman likes

to be spoken dirty to, says such things as,

"*******, ****." etc. The woman is speechless.

The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic

thoughts.

The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters

a word of encouragement such as, "Are ye sure its in?"

Given his level of sexual expertise, the Scotsman's ideal partner should be

a versatile lover specialising in the faked orgasm.

This takes the form of a breathless shout, "Ooyah, ooyah, gallus big man."

Eventually it's all over. The man rolls over, wipes his ***** on her

nightie, falls asleep, and commences snoring like a pig.

Aye, theres no doubt about it, theres no one in the world that performs

quite like a Scotsman -

a veritable prince in the kingdom of s*x.

[rhaines]

:D

[BASH83]

then again change the accents and you could be anywhere in the UK.

def no no.... no munching when the painters are in.

[djanderso]

Or as I prefer to say ... "not when she's just fallen to the communists" :P :D :)