Lets Have A Joke Its Christmas

[Lillywhites]

An Elderly couple are watching a pantomime and the wife turns to her hubby and whispers I am suffering from a bit of wind and I've just had to let a quiet one off so I must get something for it later Fred turns to her and says may I also suggest you get a new Battery for your hearing aid too :D

[IHgs300]

Not exactly jokes but my kids love these.

Mary had a little pig

she couldn't stop it grunting

so she took it down the garden path

and kicked it's little.........................................

.........................legs off.

Mary had a little lamb

she also had a duck

she put them on the mantlepiece

to see if they would...ffffff

fall off.

[Bluesman]

Q. What is the difference between PMT and BSE?

A. One is mad cow disease and the other is an agricultural problem.

[mikeyv]

Here's something a little more suitable for Xmas time :winky:

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.

My six-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the Food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray.

Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it all wrong? Is God cross with me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.

He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grand-son asked.

"Cross my heart," the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing),



"Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal.

My Grandson stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember for the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.

With a big smile he told her,

.

.

.

.

"Here, this is for you. Shove it up your arse you grumpy old bitch!

[graham8370]

These two from my Chinese Crackers

Me Lee told me he was opening a crows shop. I said. you mean a clothes shop, he said, No a crows shop, come and have a rook.

The dust man said to Mr Lee, Wheres your bin, Mr Lee; I been Hong Kong; Dustman says: No, wheres your wheelie bin. Mr Lee; I really been Hong Kong

Merry Christmas All.

[ChrisIS200SportTTE]

A teacher asks her class of 10 year olds....

"Who can use a sentence with the word definitely in it?"

Mary raises her hand and says

"The sky is definitely blue"

Very good said the teacher but the sky can also be grey and black at night.

Tom then raises his hand and says

"Grass is definitely green"

Very good days the teacher but grass can be brown also.

Then little tommy raises his hand and asks

"Can farts be lumpy?"

No replied the teacher, why do you ask?

"Well I've definitely sh*t my pants then"

[ChrisIS200SportTTE]

A beautiful blonde woman boards a plane to L.A. with a ticket for coach. Once she boards, she chooses an empty seat in first class. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman she has to move back.

The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to L.A."

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain. The captain goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.

She immediately gets up, hugs the captain and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The flight attendant asks what he said to the woman.

"I just told her that the first class section isn't going to L.A."

[ChrisIS200SportTTE]

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:

Cheese Sandwich: £1.50

Chicken Sandwich: £2.50

Hand Job: £10.00

He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.

"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

"Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"

[ChrisIS200SportTTE]

The teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multisyllabic words, class. Does anyone have an example of a multisyllabic word?"

Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, teacher! Oh, me, me!"

The teacher smiles and says, "Alright, Johnny, what is your multisyllabic word?"

Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."

The teacher is taken aback, but she manages to smile and says, "Wow, Johnny, that's a mouthful."

Little Johnny says, "No, miss, you're thinking of a blow job. I'm talking about jerking off."

Merry Christmas everybody :hohoho: :hohoho: :hohoho:

[Bluesman]

The teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multisyllabic words, class. Does anyone have an example of a multisyllabic word?"

Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, teacher! Oh, me, me!"

The teacher smiles and says, "Alright, Johnny, what is your multisyllabic word?"

Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."

The teacher is taken aback, but she manages to smile and says, "Wow, Johnny, that's a mouthful."

Little Johnny says, "No, miss, you're thinking of a blow job. I'm talking about jerking off."

Merry Christmas everybody :hohoho: :hohoho: :hohoho:

Ever thought of a career on stage? Mike

[ChrisIS200SportTTE]

Lol no Mike, they're not my jokes I'm afraid just my favourites :)

Here's one more...

A family decide to have a conservatory built onto their house one summer.

When the builders turn up the family's 8 year old daughter asks if she can help the builders as it's the school holidays and she's bored.

The builders take a shine to the little and give her her own hard hat, workmans gloves and safety goggles and then give her little jobs to do to make her feel important such as counting bricks etc...

At the end of the day the workmen put a couple of quid in a little brown envelope and give it to the girl as her "wages"

The little girl is absolutely thrilled by this and helps the builders every day until the job is complete and at the end of every day the builders give her her "pay packet"

When the job is complete the little girls mum realises her daughter has made about £20 so she decides to take her to the bank to open a child's savers account.

When they get to the bank the little girl proudly goes up to the cashier and says "I'd like to pay this in please"

The cashier says "wow that's a lot of money for a young girl, did you get this for your birthday?"

"No" replies the girl, "these are my wages"

"Wages?" Asks the cashier, "and what job did you have?"

"I was a builder, helping build my mummy and daddy's new conservatory" says the little girl.

"And did you do a good job and finish the work on time?" Asks the cashier

The little girl stops and thinks for a moment then replies,

"Of course I did a f***ing good job, I'm not some sort of f***ing cowboy! And we would have been done a day early if it wasn't for them cu**s at Jewson delivering the f***ing bricks late!!"