A Guide For Men

[Claire G]

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women.

Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works.

Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies:

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.

Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry,that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed..............................................+1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows......................... 0

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets..........................................-1

You leave the toilet seat up.................................................-5

You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty........................................... 0

When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..........................-1

When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...............................-2

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings...........................+5

in the snow...................................+8

but return with beer .....................-5

and no liners ...............................-25

You check out a suspicious noise at night.............................................. 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing........................................... 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....................................+5

You pummel it with a six iron..........+10

It's her cat....................................-40

AT THE PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party......................... 0

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a work

colleague......-2

Named Tiffany.................................................-4

Tiffany is a dancer...........................................-10

With breast implants..........................................-18

HER BIRTHDAY

You remember her birthday..................................... 0

You buy a card and flowers.................................... 0

You take her out to dinner.................................... 0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a pub.................+1

Okay, it is a pub.............................................-2

And it's all-you-can-eat night................................-3

It's a pub, and it's all-you-can-eat night....................-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Go with a mate................................................ 0

The mate is happily married...................................+1

The mate is single............................................-7

Not for long - it's his Stag Night ..... .....................-10

He has a liking for Kings Cross establishments................-50

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

You take her to a movie.......................................+2

You take her to a movie she likes.............................+4

You take her to a movie you hate..............................+6

You take her to a movie you like..............................-2

It's called Death Cop III.....................................-3

Which features Cyborgs that eat humans........................-9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.........-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable beer gut...........................-15

You develop a noticeable beer gut gut; exercise to get rid of it..+10

You develop a noticeable beer gut and resort to loose jeans and baggy

Hawaiian shirts.............................................-30

You say, it doesn't matter, she has one too................-800

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, Does this dress make me look fat?

You hesitate in responding...................................-10

You reply, Where?.............................................-35

You reply, No, I think it's your arse.......................-100

Any other response...........................................-20

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem:

You listen, displaying a concerned expression..................0

You listen, for over 30 minutes...............................+5

You relate to her problem and share a similar experience......+50

You're mind wanders to the cricket and you suddenly hear her saying

well, what do you think I should do?.........................-100

You have fallen asleep.......................................-200

ITS THAT TIME OF THE MONTH.......

You talk.....................................................-100

You don't talk...............................................-150

You spend time with her......................................-200

You don't spend time with her................................-500

You are seen to be enjoying yourself.........................-700

There, that should make it clearer for you

[RYX]

Oh how true.....all of it.....did like this one tho......

Originally posted by Claire G

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, Does this dress make me look fat?

You hesitate in responding...................................-10

You reply, Where?.............................................-35

You reply, No, I think it's your arse.......................-100

Any other response...........................................-20

No....YOU make you look fat in that dress. :lol::lol:

[sholao]

Thanks Claire.

It seems my points this weekend are going to be -200!! :(:(

[Matthew_McNally]

Claire

is this just an extract?

Can you post more?

I got my female over ten years ago, and have no desire to change. But I defintely did not get the handbook with her, and have been unable to find anywhere to purchase one.

I have tried to maintain regular servicing intervals - but without any manufacturers guidance I am afraid this intervals may be incorrect.

I am also concerned that my female does not handle properly.

I can't find all the controls - and the ones I have found don't seem to work with any consistency.

Any more advice?

:smilegrin:

[sholao]

Originally posted by Matthew_McNally

I am also concerned that my female does not handle properly.

I can't find all the controls - and the ones I have found don't seem to work with any consistency.

Any more advice?

:smilegrin:

I know what you mean man!!

There is also this thing that happens on a monthly basis which seems to have no cure!

Please help Claire!

[Claire G]

Well, it's obvious isn't it? They obviously need a service (:o).....

With the monthly issues, there is a cure. Instead of running them on the cheap chocolate, you need the more expensive stuff. Think the Optimax equivalent of chocolate and you're half way there....

:tumble:

[tonb]

Chocolate instead of champagne, flowers and expensive stones??

Wow, why aren't there more like you? :lol::lol:

[andyhart21]

That is fantastic Claire! Me and 'er indoors had a right laugh reading that! That is until she realised I had -2000 points:lol:

[TonyGoose]

Instead of running them on the cheap chocolate, you need the more expensive stuff. Think the Optimax equivalent of chocolate and you're half way there....

:tumble:

Yes that makes sense ....

Bombard with chocolate so you can say yes to ...

'Do i look fat in this'

No doubt resulting sulk would include comfort eating ....

So full circle - self perpetuating ...

Face it guys - it's a lose lose situation.

We're just NEVER gonna win this one :?:

[TonyGoose]

Oh yes - forgot to say ...

If any man gets close to winning ...

or even just understanding the rules ....

Then the rules are automatically changed without any notice

Or any indication about what the new rules are

Strange beasts - i really can't work 'em out