The Worst Jokes Ever

[Fidgits]

[Brian Berry]

A motor patrol stopped the driver of a Lexus for speeding. The constable went to the driver unbuttoning his tunic on the way and extracting his pocket book.

'Right , sir, I am reporting you for speeding, can I have your name please?'

Motorist,'Certainly, officer its Aloysious Cholmondley Monpelier Crichton.'

Constable'(replacing the pocket book into his tunic pocket) 'Just, don't let it happen again'.

[Arif]

Q: What do you call a woman driving a Lexus? :D

A: Lexy :tsktsk:

[Brian Berry]

Police Officer

'Is this car licensed sir ?'

Motorist

'Yes officer, would you care for a gin and tonic?'

[Brian Berry]

Man telephones the police station reporting his building ladders missing.

He was told,'We will take steps to recover them.'

[TonyGoose]

A large hole - 15metres across has suddenly appeared on the M25 ...

close to where it meets the M1. It's causing massive traffic chaos ...

Latest reports are that the police are looking into it

:iraqi-info-minister:

[TonyGoose]

Police arrested two kids yesterday.

One was drinking Battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

[tony_hetherington]

What do you call a Fly with no wings?

A Walk !

[TonyGoose]

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day,

but i couldnt find any.

[tony_hetherington]

What's green and sticky?

A green stick !

(the list is endless of those sorts of jokes!)

[Fidgits]

What's dangerous and swings from trees?

A monkey with a chainsaw!

[Fidgits]

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a pound coin. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the pound, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replies. "I work for the Inland Revenue."

[rhaines]

Q. Why do Fair Hairs hate M & Ms?

A. They are too hard to peel!

Q. How do you measure a Fair Hair's intelligence?

A. Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

Politically correct blonde jokes :D

[rhaines]

You Might Be A Child Of The 80s If...

_________________________________________

You know what "Sike" means!

Your favorite rock band wore more makeup than your girlfriend!

Your favorite rock band wore the same clothing as your girlfriend!

You know what a Flock of Seagulls is!

You had a Flock of Seagulls haircut!

You wore parachute pants!

You had the matching parachute shirt!

You owned a Swatch watch with Swatch guard!

You gave up bellbottoms in favor of pin-striped Lees!

You know the profound meaning of "wax on, wax off!"

You remember when Rick Shroeder was Ricky!

Your heroes were Alf, Han Solo and David Lee Roth!

You actually know what Alf stands for!

You remember when Mike Tyson was a fighter - not a biter!

You know that another name for keyboard is "synthesizer!"

You know who Fat Albert is!

You actually know the name of Fat Albert's weird friend with the pink mask!

You ever wore fluorescent clothing!

You wore those funky Chams shirts!

You remember when Ozzy biting the head off of an animal was considered shocking!

You knew how to "Safety Dance!"

You also knew that if friends don't dance, well there no friends of your's!

You could moonwalk!

You remember Michael Jackson before he was white!

You wore your sunglasses at night! Badger :P

You wanted to be the Incredible Hulk for Halloween!

You actually believed that "By the power of Greyskull, you had the power!"

Partying like it was 1999 seemed so far away!

You remember when Prince actually had a name!

You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye!

Your lifelong ambition was to appear on Star Search!

You tight rolled your jeans!

You ever wore a banana clip!

You remember Garbage Pail Kids, and actually owned some!

You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout!"

You had to have your MTV!

You remember when country music wasn't cool!

Windows was something you soaped at Halloween!

You remember when Atari was a state of the art video game!

You ever got your allowance in quarters!

An arcade was a cool place to pick up a date!

You were shocked when you found out Dragon's Lair cost 75 cents to play!

Internet was something you hoped a fish would do!

You actually thought Dirty Dancing was a great movie!

A teen movie, by rule, had to have Molly Ringwald in it somewhere!

You remember when Bruce Willis, David Letterman and Hulk Hogan all still had hair!

You cried when jack, Janet and Terri moved out of the apartment!

Being a nerd didn't mean you were a multi-million dollar computer genius!

You were upset when you had to replace your 8-tracks with cassettes!

You didn't believe something called a CD would ever replace your vinyl record albums!

You believed that in the year 2000 we would all be living in outer space!

When you grew up, you wanted to be a VeeJay!

You knew what leg warmers were, and owned a couple of pairs!

You owned a Rubik's Cube!

You bought the book "How To Solve The Rubik's Cube!"

You thought it was a turn on to girls when you solved your Rubik's Cube!

You also owned a Rubik's Pocket Cube, A Pyramid and a Snake!

You wore your Izod shirts with the collars turned up!

You remember when Happy Meals came in a box, not a paper bag!

You remember when burgers came in a Styrofoam box!

You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny!

It was cool to stay home on Friday nights and watch Friday Night Videos!

You know who shot J.R.!

You know why short shorts are called Daisy Dukes!

You owned a pair of Superman or Wonder Woman underoos!

You know what a Push Up is!

You had to change into play clothes after school!

You, or someone you knew, owned a Commodore 64!

You ever had Pac-Man Fever!

You hated Scrappy Doo!

You ever held a deep, philosophical discussion on whether Darth Vader was really Luke's father!

You thought Princess Leia's cinnamon roll hairdo was cool!

You wished you had a light saber!

You knew the Force was with you!

You recorded your favorite songs off the radio with your boom box!

You know all the words to the songs on VH1's "Big 80s!"

Your senior class song was recorded by Whitesnake!

You thought that knowing all the words to Poison's "Nothing But A Good Time" made you cool!

You thought that the lead singer of Ratt had a cool hairdo!

Your arm was covered with rubber bracelets!

You ever said "Gag me with a spoon!"

You ever thought anything was "gnarley!"

You ever wondered what happened to Saturday morning cartoons!

You had to get up to change the channels!

You had one of those noisy, bulky TV "clicky boxes!"

You thought the Thriller video was cool!

You remember when Freddy Krueger scared you to death!

You remember the first time you went into a video store to rent a video!

You wore wide, colorful shoelaces!

The best song ever? Quiet Riot's "Come On Feel The Noise!"

You ever "banged your head!"

Good music was Quiet Riot, Twisted Sister and Ratt!

You ever asked anyone "Where's the beef?!"

You still refuse to go into the water after that dang Jaws movie!

You actually sat through Jaws 3-D!

Seeing a 3-D movie at the theater was the ultimate romantic date!

You remember life before minivans and SUVs!

You had never heard of Bill Gates!

You knew what Reaganomics were!

Bill Clinton was only a lying, womanizing governor!

Whitewater was just good news for canoeists!

Gremlin cars were cool. Pacers were not!

You ever had to "phone home!"

You preferred Reese's Pieces over M&Ms!

You ever just had to "Jump!"

You could actually pronounce correctly "Kajagoogoo!"

You thought that Duran Duran was the best band since the Rolling Stones!

You always thought that Emilio Estevez should have gotten an Oscar!

A pager was the nasally voiced woman your mom would get to holler at you over the intercom while you were talking to your friends in the Wal-Mart record department!

A portable phone meant that your phone had an extra long cord!

A cordless phone meant that you had walked too far with your portable phone!

A cell phone was the one call you were allowed in jail!

Good TV consisted of The Dukes of Hazard, Dynasty and Alf!

You knew what Coleco was!

You had at least 10 different strategies for getting Frogger across the highway!

You had a Velcro wallet!

You ever wore a necklace of twisted beads!

Chic jeans were actually chic!

You were shocked to find out that "Indiana" was the name of Indiana Jones' dog, and Indy's name was Henry Jones, Jr.!

You had never heard of Britney Spears, Shania Twain or J.Lo!

You had "The Eye of the Tiger!"

Good movies were Maximum Overdrive, Footloose and any Nightmare on Elm Street movie!

A floppy disk meant you had left your vinyl record album in the sun too long!

A hard drive was a drag race with your buddies!

You thought Tron was a cool movie!

You can't wait for a sequel to Tron!

Sexy women were Daisy Duke, Princess Leia and Mallory Keaton!

Cool guys were Bo and Luke Duke, Han Solo and Alex Keaton!

You remember candy cigarettes!

You remember those little wax bottles with fruit juice in them!

You remember when soda bottles were actually made of glass!

You ever took one of those bottles back for your dime deposit!

You ever put peanuts in your Pepsi or Mountain Dew!

You watched The Electric Company in hopes of seeing Spider-Man!

You loved eating Reggie bars!

A monitor was the geeky kid watching the halls to make sure you didn't cut class!

You ever wore a bandanna - somewhere other than your head!

You rolled up the sleeves of your coats and jackets!

Don Johnson was the ultimate cool!

Microwaves were the same size as your console TV!

You ever "crimped" your hair!

You remember the first time you ever heard Arnold say "I'll be back!"

You remember when Tom Hanks' claim to fame was the TV show "Bosom Buddies!"

You know what a "hoser" is!

You ever told someone to "take off!"

You thought Bob and Doug McKenzie were the two funniest guys in the world!

You could never understand why they never made a sequel to Strange Brew!

You could actually "sing" Bob and Doug McKenzie's theme song!

You remember Andrew Dice clay when he was an actor called "Andy clay!"

Required reading was Hit Parader and Circus!

All of your shirts had shoulder pads!

You remember Colorforms!

You remember Shrinky-Dinks!

You remember doing a full body shiver in the theater when you realized that Luke Skywalker had kissed his sister!

You ever told anyone "Do or do not, there is no try!"

You ever had a Pac-Man, Frogger or Space Invaders watch!

You ever got sent to the principal's office when you forgot to turn off the sound on one of those watches!

You ever owned a ZZ Top key chain!

You know that Roscoe's deputies were named Enos and Cletus!

You know the name of Boss Hogg's wife!

You wished that you had a big 01 painted on your car door!

You know what a "Melmacian thank you" is!

You remember the first time that you heard that Elvis was alive! And you believed it!!

You ever "Pitied the fool!"

You truly believe the 80s rule!

If you can identify with at least half of this list!!

[rhaines]

Q. What is the difference between a crazed pit bull and a woman with PMS?

A. Lip gloss!

Q. What's the difference between a new wife and a new dog?

A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you!

Q. What do you call an intelligent, beautiful, sexy, understanding woman?

A. A rumor!

Q. What's the difference between a dog and a fox?

A. About eight beers!

Q. If your wife comes out of the kitchen and starts complaining, what does that mean?

A. Her chain is too long!

Q. How is a wife like a diploma?

A. You spend lots of time getting one, but once you have it, you aren't really sure what they are good for.

Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?

A. None! It should be opened by the time she brings it!

[Fidgits]

You wished that you had a big 01 painted on your car door!

DAMN!!!

There goes the surprise for JAE...

May as well not bother with the respray now...

and i was looking forward to the confederate flag on the roof too

[rhaines]

You wished that you had a big 01 painted on your car door!

DAMN!!!

There goes the surprise for JAE...

May as well not bother with the respray now...

and i was looking forward to the confederate flag on the roof too

Was that going to include the modified horn and Mrs Mop wearing the denim shorts and white shirt tied in a knot above the waist and of coursse sealing the dorrs so you had to climb in and out using the windows ?

[Fidgits]

Oh... I've already welded the doors shut (I just wish Geoffers full closure had a reverse function ) ..

[tony_hetherington]

Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant ?

A: Marry her !!!!

[rhaines]

ah but how do you turn a dog into a fox ????

A. 10 pints usually does it :)

[dark_is200]

george bush?

[rhaines]

george bush?

bill clinton....

[djanderso]

What did the Big chimney say to the Little Chimney?

Your too young to smoke...

I think that was the first joke I ever heard! :D

[rhaines]

what did daddy cupboard say to mrs cupboard ???

Come on darlin can I look in your drawers.....

[djanderso]

Some puns - these are REALLY bad!!

Four fonts walk into a bar

The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre.

So he gave her one

A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

A seal walks into a club...

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road."

Boom boom.....

THESE ARE EVEN WORSE

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to

arrange

a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the

craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak

and heat it.

Two boll weevils grew up in Cornwall. One went to Hollywood and became a

famous actor. The other stayed behind, drove a tractor and never amounted

to

much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to

the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocaine during

root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Getting worse...

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the

lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,

the

manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they

asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts

boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten

different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Big finale.....

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a

family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain,

they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his

mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she

also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If

you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."