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The Funniest Joke You Ever Heard?

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Well Modays nearly over but its still along time until Friday. Make somebody smile - go on - whats the funniest joke you ever heard?

Best five to be polled on Friday to find an all time winner!

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Here goes with mine -

A dyslexic skier goes to the Alps. After putting on his skis he glides over to the nearest kiosk on the slopes and asks "is it ok for me to ski down here mate?" The kiosk attendent says "no good asking me mate i am a Toboganist"

The dyslexic skier says - wait for it - "oh sorry mate - but while ive got you can i have 20 Benson's and a book of matches please".

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The Joke about Uncle marvo the master of repartee, conversation and backchat.....its toooooo loonnnnggggg to type out :mat: but its brill :lol:

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A GUY GETS A JOB ON A BUILDING SITE.

ON MONDAY MORNING HE GOES TO THE SITE OFFICE AND THEN TO THE STORES TO PICK UP HIS WORK GEAR. HE LOOKS AT THE WELLIES AND ONE HAS THE LETTER "L" ON, AND THE OTHER ONE HAS THE LETTER "R" ON.

HE SAYS TO THE BOSS,"WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?"

THE BOSS SAYS LEFT & RIGHT!

tHE GUY SAYS :tsktsk: ME! I OFTEN WONDERED WHY THE WIFES KNICKERS HAD C&A ON THEM!

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A woman walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the car of her dreams and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather interior, a small fart escapes her.

Extremely embarrassed, she looks around to see if anyone noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

But as she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day madame, how may i help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers "Madame, i'm afraid i can't say......if you farted just touching it.........you're gonna s*** yourself when i tell you the price" :P

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Victoria Beckham has claimed she had an affair with Michael Jackson.

Jackson's solicitor has denied the claim saying " He was in Brooklyn

at the time"

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Q. Why did Barbie and Ken never have any children ?

A. He comes in a different box.

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anyone see the frank carson one on the telly the other night

Woman walks up to an ice cream van and see's the ice cream man on the floor of his van covered in ice cream, chocolate sauce with hundreds of thousands.

Woman behind asks "whats wrong with him"

First woman replies "oh he has just topped himself"

peed myself at that one.. frank carson is great!

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Heard the one abouht the dislexic pimp who bought a wharehouse

ta da

short n sweet :hehe:

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Australian radio show

in aussie accent

geday today callers we are going to look for words for the australian dictionary

First caller whats yer name where da ya come from

ge day its bruce here from sydney

ok bruce whats yer word

Bruce: Gawn

DJ: Gawn

Bruce: yer Gawn

DJ: Bruce can you give us a sentence using Gawn

Bruce: sure can Gawn FU*K yer self

DJ: yer carnt use words like that on air and cuts him off

DJ: ok we will play a record n try again in a moment

after the record the dj says ok next caller whats yer name

Bruce here

DJ: ok Bruce whats yer word

Bruce: Smee

DJ: Smee

Bruce: yer Smee

DJ ok bruce can you give us a sentence using Smee

Bruce: Sure can its Smee again Gawn FU*K Yer self

TA DA

gota be a winner :D :D :D :D

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.....its a flamin beuuuuuudy...........

This was on FOX FM in Melbourne...

This story occurred on Melbourne radio last week (and it's actually true) - riot!!! ....

One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali. Last week the competition went like this:

Presenter: Gidday it's FOX-FM, do you want to play the game.

Brian: Yeah, sure.

Presenter: OK, Question 1 - When was the last time you had s*x?

Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 O'clock this morning.

Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?

Brian: Orrrrr ..... about 10 minutes.

Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it mate?

Brian: Ohhh Maaaate, I can't say that.

Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!

Brian: OK ... OK ... On the kitchen table.

Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it OK for us to call your wife?

Brian: Yeah alright.

Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you?

Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.

Presenter: (Explains competition again). We've got Brian on the other line, say hello.

Sharelle: Hi Brian.

Brian: Hi Sharelle.

Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian, and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.

Brian: Just tell the truth honey.

Sharelle: OK

Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had s*x?

Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio. :blush::blush:

Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.

Sharelle: OK .... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.

Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go on for

Sharelle?

Sharelle: (Giggling). About 12, maybe 15 minutes.

Co Presenter: That's close enough .... Brian was just being a gentleman.

Presenter: OK Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it?

Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My Mum could be listening. No way, no.

Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.

Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway,just tell em.

Sharelle: Ohhhh .... Alright .... Up the :tsktsk: !!!!! :mat:

Radio Silence.

Advert

Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and sometimes things just happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the

holiday. Now we'll take a music break.

:lol::hehe::lol: :D :hehe::lol: :D

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Q: Did you hear about the blonde rabbit?

A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

:yahoo:

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A plane crashes on a desert island and only three men survive.

As the men come to their senses they see another man approching them, as he gets closer he speaks to them,

"There is only one port on this island where you can get a ship to safety" he says, "However, I am a cannibal and i'm hungry so i'm going to make you a deal"...

"I'm going to get my d*ck out and if all three of your d*cks put together are of equal size or bigger then i'll guide you to the port, if they are smaller I will kill you all and eat you".

All three men readily agree thinking there's no possible way they can lose.

As the cannibal gets his d*ck out, they see it's 20 inches long!

The first man of the three gets his out and it's 10 inches long, feeling confident now, the second man gets his 9 inches out. Finally the third man gets his d*ck out and although its only 1 inch long the trio still win the bet.

The cannibal keeps his word and leads them to safety. Sometime later on the boat home the first man begins to brag...

"You two are lucky my d*ck is 10 inches long you know", he says to his companions. They agree and congratulate the man on havin such a long p*nis.

After a while the second man says, "You two are very lucky my d*ck is 9 inches long or we would of been eaten by that cannibal back there", once again, his two companions agree.

As the night nears its end they ask the third man his thoughts on the experience, "All I have to say" begins the third man, "is that you two are damn lucky I had an erection"

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How about this..

Whats a joke thread doing in the IS200/300 section! :P

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The funniest one's aren't publishable in the public forums, so this one will have to do....

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead", he replied.

"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan....."

:P

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mr whitie

its only a laugh

and it is aimed at IS200/300 drivers

is this correct dazza :driving::driving:

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To True Matty some people get a bit protective - will ring you tommorow got phone troubles !

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There once was a Man and Woman egg in a pan of boiling water

When the woman egg said look dear i've found a crack

he said well dear give me a minute and i'll be hard

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I Have two lawyers' stories about unnatural offences. The first is 100% true. The second may or may not be...

true story(dates from 100 or so years back, I think)...

A farmhand named George Evans, was charged with an unnatural offence; viz that he did commit buggery with a sheep. The principal prosecution witness was a another farmhand. His examination in chief went something like this:

prosecutor: Did you pass the defendant's farm on the morning of 27th June?

witness: ez

P: Did you see the defendant?

W: ez

P: could you see what he was doing as you walked past?

W: ez

P: what was the defendant doing?

W: Ee were messing about with a sheep

P: Messing about with a sheep?

W: ez

P: Can you explain what you mean by that?

W: ez

Judge (interrupting): Do you mean that he was having unnatural sexual connection with the sheep?

W: ez

P: What? Brazenly - in broad daylight?

W: ez

P: Did you say anything when you were confronted with this shameful spectacle?

W: ez

P: Well, what did you say?

W: Oi says, 'Morning George'...

further tale to follow (with goat)

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The goat joke. It may or may not be true. I heard this from counsel, but you never know.

Defendant is charged with having unnatural intercourse with a goat, ie buggery contrary to the Sexual Offences Act 1956, section 12. Prosecuting counsel and defence counsel have a quick discussion in the lobby before the case comes on...

DC: My client will plead 'not guilty' to the s 12 offence, but he might be prepared to plead guilty to an attempt.

PC: I don't think he should do that. If he wants to plead guilty, he should plead guilty to the full offence.

DC: Why not attempt?

PC: This case will be widely reported. Does your client really want to be remembered for ever as the man who couldn't f**k a goat?

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so far i reckon Dobbin is in first place with Shahz coming close up the rear!

still plenty of time left though.

keep em coming guys!

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