Terrible Joke

[andyhart21]

Nelson Mandela is relaxing in his mansion when he hears a knock at the door. He goes to answer it and looks down to see a small japenese man with a clipboard who says "aaah-so! I have 100 Primera exhausts for you" Mandela is clearly confused and replies "what are you on about?, get out of here"

A few days later, the same thing happens. A japenese guy knocks at the door and says "aaah-so! I have 500 Micra wheels for you". Mandela is now starting to get a bit annoyed with this and tells the japenese guy to get lost and not bother him again.

About a week later, another japenese guy knocks at the door and says "aaah-so! I have 50 Skyline cylinder heads for you" Mandela is now furious and snatches the japenese delivery guys clipboard from him and says "No mate, you have it all wrong. you want Nissan main dealer":smilegrin::smilegrin::smilegrin:

[Monster-Mat]

:D

[Monster-Mat]

:(

[vic]

Two pilots crash land on an island, Within a few minutes they are surrounded by the local barbaric tribe. The head tribesman approaches them & says that they have to go into the jungle & pick one hundred pieces of fruit each otherwise they will die!

So going their seperate ways each pilot runs off looking for fruit. After about an hour the first pilot returns with a hundred grapes. The head tribesman looking a little bit dissapointed turns around & says ' ok the final test is that now we will push each one of these grapes up your arse & you cant make a noise, you do that & I will spare you!' the pilot looks in dismay but never the less drops his trousers & the sordid test goes on! 1..2..10...25.....30....50...60.....75...80...95...96...97...(the pilot is gritting his teeth, sweating & delirious from the pain!!)...98...99 all of a sudden the pilot falls backwards onto the floor holding his stomach laughing hystericaly??? The head tribesman lifts his spear & says' Unfortunate you must die you were doing so well, tell me..why couldnt hold out just another couple of seconds??' the pilot still writhing about laughing catches his breath & says 'Ive just seen my co-pilot running back with a hundred coconuts!!!!'

[Monster-Mat]

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

[Zee007]

Driving to the office this morning on the Eastern Avenue Carriageway, I

looked over to my left and there was a woman in a Vauxhall 100 per hour

with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I

looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!

It scared me (I'm a man) so badly, I dropped my electric shaver, which

knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying

to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it

knocked my mobile phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between

my legs, splashed and burned Big Daddy and the Twins, ruined the damn

phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL

WOMEN DRIVERS!

:D;)

[vic]

A cow farmer takes delivery of his new electric automatic milking machine! Not having had anything off his other half for a while he gets very tempted. So he slips out his meat & pops it into the udder recepticle. He looks round presses the on button & hey presto the machine starts sucking away!! The farmer is loving it!! Moaning & groaning..ooh-ing & ahh-ing till he reaches his climax! Having finished he goes to turn it off but to his horror its still sucking away...harder & harder!!! The farmer is going red in the face & is beginning to panic because now it's really starting to hurt....no matter what he does he cant pull it off or turn the blasted machine off!! So his last resort is to ring the company he's bought it from:

Farmer: Hello automatic milking machines?

company: Yes thats right how can I help sir?

Farmer(in a croaky Voice): I took delivery of a machine today & ive attached it to one of my cows udders but now I cant seem to turn it off!!

Company: Dont worry sir thats quite normal!

Farmer(in a V V Croaky voice!!): What do you mean..normal?

Company: The machine turns off automaticlly once it has succeded in removing 5 pints!!!!!!!!!!

[Zee007]

:lol:

[pincher]

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye.

He says to him, Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if ask how you got yours?

Other guy: Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident.See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with huge, huge breasts was there. So, instead of saying I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh. She socked me one.

First guy: Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: "Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties."

But I accidentally said: "You ruined my life you fat bitch

[UltraViolet]

A passenger plane travelling to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean. The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive.

After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores. Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on.

Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...its Kylie Minogue.

Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they

fall madly in love.

One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face.

She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong.

"Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life.

We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feel there's something missing."

Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything".

"Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?" "OK" "And my trousers?" "OK"

At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips.

"OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."

"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?" So off they set.

After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:

"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging'!!"

:lol::smilegrin:

[javadude]

hmmm as if we would....:D

[brn7y]

John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."

John says, "Well, give me some examples."

Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me."

"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."

Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"

John proceeds to say, "Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock."

[brn7y]

man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and see if it was 365 times with the same cow."

[brn7y]

There was a young man who was so well-endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three doctors and one nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation.

The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.

The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it." They discussed it and decided it would change the texture and feel of it.

The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it." They discussed it and said that would give him erection problems.

The doctors looked at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks.

The nurse cried, "Can't we just make his legs longer?"

[brn7y]

David finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee that he had to break off their engagement so he could marry another woman.

"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked between sobs.

"Not on her best day," he replied.

"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?"

"No, she's broke."

"Well, then, is it s*x?"

"Nobody does it like you, babe."

"Then what can she do that I can't?"

"Sue me for child support."

[brn7y]

QUESTION:

What's pink and hard when it goes in... and soft and wet when it comes out?

ANSWER:

Bubblegum!

[brn7y]

An Italian man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table , he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby.... all alone.

He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, - knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this from the gentleman. She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants.

The man, after reading the note, sends one of his own back to her and it read:

"Just so you know - I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage; plus I have over twenty million dollars in the bank."

"But, not even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back!!!

[brn7y]

A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"!

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

[brn7y]

[brn7y]

[brn7y]

[brn7y]

[vic]

Whats the difference between women & work?

Work still sucks after 6 months!!

[moschops_72]

ok here we go..... ready???? :yes:

a man in the jungle sees an elephant lying on its side.... a bit troubled by this (if someting killed it, it might be still out there ) he goes over to investigate.....

on inspection he sees nothing really wrong... not old, no bite marks, no poisoin arrows... noting... then he sees this 3 foot pigmy standing to the side with a huge grin on his face looking rather chuffed with himself....

Man " did you kill this elephant???"

Pigmy, flexing his muscles "yeah!"

Man "what???? you, a 3 foot pigmy, killed this, 3 tonne, young bull elephant in it's prime???"

Pigmy, acting rather cool "i said yeah!"

Man "chuffin' 'ell, you mean to say you killed this Elephant???"

Pigmy "I SAID YES!!!!!"

Man " how the hell did you kill it???"

Pigmy, lexing his muscles yet again " with my club"

man " you mean to say, you killed this 3 tonne, bull Elephant, in it's prime, with a club????"

Pigmy " YES!!!!!!!!!!!"

Man " bloody hell, must have been a big club!!!"

Pigmy " yeah, about 847 of us"

:smilegrin::smilegrin::smilegrin::smilegrin::smilegrin::smilegrin::smilegrin::smilegrin::smilegrin:

[Monster-Mat]

lol...............