The Tenth Anniversary Present

[peter026]

Not too long ago, I saw something at the gun and pawn shop that sparked

my interest. The occasion was our 10th anniversary and I was looking

for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a

100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were

supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your

assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. Needless to

say, way too cool.

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded

two AAA batteries in the thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was

disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND

pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get a blue arc

of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is

on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it

couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? Yah.

There I sat in my recliner, my cat looking on intently, the trusting

little soul, while I was reading the directions and thinking that I

really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Kitty for a fraction of a second,

but thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat and, as most of you

already know, hell hath no fury like a cat ticked off. But, if I was

going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a

mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I

wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading

glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one

hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst

would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was

supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a

three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the

ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds

would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"

long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and

loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries thinking to myself, "ain't no

way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to one

side as to say, "don't do it, master," reasoning that a one-second

burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I

decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I

touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY

MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, $$$$ ON A STICK!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me

up, body slammed me on the carpet over and over and over again and then

slammed the recliner over my head as a chaser.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears

in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere

to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest

position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making

meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly

thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Please take this from the voice of experience - there is no such thing

as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of

that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing

about on the floor! Three second burst would be considered conservative.

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at

that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and

surveyed the landscape. My bent and forlorn reading glasses were

hanging miserably on the mantel of the fireplace.

How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples

were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with

Novocain, and judging by how my jaw hung listlessly, my bottom lip must

have weighed 88 lbs. By the way, at this point my testicles, feeling

like they withdrew into my body somewhere around my ribcage, are still

waiting for the all clear signal to emerge from the bomb shelter. Now I

know how Tom Hanks' character felt when he had to go search for Private

Ryan. I felt like I should offer a significant reward for their safe

return. Even now, I experience shrinkage when I plug anything into the

socket.

If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser to test it,

take my advice - repeat after me...here, kitty kitty...

Still in shock, Sparky

__________________

[Monster-Mat]

funny..very funny

[boddamloon]

i too m on the floor after reading this(Laughing) PMSL

[Rikos]

Thats good i like it.

[RayKhan]

That brought tears to my eyes!

[DJ Wozza]

Next time..... the cat gets it !

Great post, my eyes won't stop watering.

[MacRS200]

Brilliant mate

[Niraj]

LOL... some of the stuff people do... lol....

mind you, i did a similar thing when i was a kid...

I used to have those metal braces on my teath, the ones where they cement the metal part individually to each tooth, with a metal rail between them.

Anyway, came into my posession was a 9v square Battery...

The type you test on your tongue to see if it's still got charge in it (don't deny it, you've all tried it!!)

Well... I decided to test the charge of one of these lil batteries between the top and bottom rail of my braces...

...needless to say I was tasting "Burn" for a few weeks after... :shutit:

What's more strange is, the buzzing sensation was quite addictive and I found myself searching for more 9v batteries

[norkep]

Thats great, still got tears from laughing so much

[DJ Wozza]

Niraj

I had a root canal the other week.. u just brought the pain back to my tooth :D

[Niraj]

Niraj

I had a root canal the other week.. u just brought the pain back to my tooth :D

ooopsie, sorry! i hope i didn't remind you of the "bzzzzzzzz bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz crrrrrrrrr bzzzzzzzzzzz wizzzzzzzzzzz" sound of the drill.... :D

[Paul Reece]

That was so funny pmsl.

If you need any more batteries let me know and I will send you some. - It's worth the laugh.

All the best Paul.

[Noel]

just to be anal.... i don't believe it's a true story he should be referring to a stun gun as i thought a taser was the type that shot out two prongs with wires attached.... :P :P

[Continunity]

no its the other way round, a stung gun fires prongs, a taser creates an electrical charge across to points.

[WylieCoyote]

Wrong again. Taser is a brand name and does not refer to any particular device.

But enough of being anal, that story is very funny. Of course you could always substitute 'here kitty kitty' for 'come here dear' when her infernal nagging really does begin to grate. I've thought of similar myself but always end up resorting to flowers lol!

Keith

[aido]

PMSL that's proper awesome, all in the name of science :D